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[abuali]

I call it the six million dollar question. When is the right time to get married?

[Tayyaba]

:?:

[abuali]

The age question is something I have been pondering over for some years now, literary. And the opinion I have drawn up is quite complex.

In the western and civilized world, it is generally considered that the reckless and imprudent marry too early, while the educated and cultured marry too late.

I feel that there is a relationship between the age of marriage and subsequent happiness.

Great people in history, like the Holy Prophet of Islam advised men to marry as soon as they were capable of marrying and had come of age. He also advised the parents to get their children married as soon as possible after their coming of age.

The advantages of early marriage from the spiritual point of view is very clear. By marrying at an early age soon after coming of age, allows people to avoid actions which most religions in the world call sin such as fornication.

Apart from the religious advantage, several other social advantages are achieved from early marriage, which include the following:

First, it is easier to adjust to one another than when habits and ideas have become so well fixed. Second, it is often better for the children if the parents are reasonably young. This relates both to the greater ease for the woman in childbearing, and also the psychological adjustments between children and parents. Third, in case of the woman, increasing age lessens her chance of marrying.

However, the question again is, what age then is the right age...and not too early. Especially considering the complexity of the life we live in today, where education and personal growth and career are a priority.

I feel that the answer is different for every individual based on his/her priorities and environment. I strongly feel that if there is no obstacle to marriage, and if education and career can be pursued even after marriage, than early marriage should be the best choice.

However, the problem that we seem to face these days is that of immaturity and lack of responsibility that is common to many youths. It is extremely essential that the person who gets married is matured mentally to handle marriage in a manner that marriage deserves to be handled.

What do you think? Do my thoughts make any sense?

[Tayyaba]

yesss!! i totally agree wid u'r points...thank you...

[abuali]

:) Thanks Tayyaba.

What do the others in the forum think about early marriage? Do you think its workable, especially in Dar es Salaam in particular and Tanzania in general? What obstacles would a youth face if he/she wanted to marry at a relatively early age of say between 16 and 20?

[choco.chip]

I think there is no specific age for getting married. A person can be as young as 18 and be all set for marriage! It only needs an understanding and a mature mind.

[Umm.aly]

I agree with Sarah.. age doesnt count in marriage but the level of maturity.. You might say that maturity comes with age, but unfortunately that doesnt apply to us today.

For a man to get married, i believe he should be independant and be able to support a wife and a family.
And a woman should be mentally mature, to tackle all the responsibilities that come together with marriage..

I think the marriages between our parents and grandparents long ago, were the best.. :) The youth at that time trusted their parents to choose for them the right spouse, and they would not meet their chosen spouses till their wedding night! (now how cool is that?! ) and amazingly, they're marriages have worked so much better then the ones that we have today.
They used to make the best out of their situation, while we want only the best in our situation!

Why is it that despite having all the facilities of knowing one another before marriage, the marriages today are not so long lasting??

Pls feel free to correct or contradict me!

[Nayaab]

as it goes, "marriage is not a bed of roses" and id like to add ABSOLUTELY NOT. i dont think early marriage is sensible, especially when neither the girl or the guy have had any sort of credible education. this usually happens with rich families wen the girl n the guy dont have to worry about financial support, but WHAT IF things go wrong one day, god forbid, then what will they do?? Education has importance which is probably incomprehendable by some people, thats why they decide not to go ahead and study.
id just like to say that marriage after the both of you have something really worthwile in your hands, or atleast one of you, its fine. but when you think you're going to live happily ever after, nope i dont think its gonna work. with the number of early marriages going on, id like to say to them, please think about what you are doing.
tell me what u think!

[abuali]

Some very interesting points have come about. Muhaddisa has pointed out the fact that marriages in the past, even though arranged, seem to have been more successful than marriages today which are entered after meetings and investigations. Nayaab has on the other hand shed some light on the fact that rushing into marriage can be one of the most stupid decisions one can ever make.

I feel that the balance is somewhere in between. I dont feel that arranged marriages (where the bride and groom dont know anything about each other) would be the answer. I also dont feel that love marriages are the answer. I think a form of semi-arranged marriages might just work. This is where the man and women research about each other on the basis of qualities that they are in search of (Have a look at the other topic under this forum about qualities of a spouse). When satisified with the research a meeting or two are set between them to intellectually and honestly discuss what each of them is expecting out of marriage. Upon concluding that they are compatible, they can then decide to jump into the pool of marriage.

Nayaab, I agree that its very important to have credible education. However, I cant help but ask a question. These days, a bachelors degree is something that every other person has. It is becoming increasingly competitive. Its no longer satisfactory to have a first degree. one has to get a Masters or a PhD to make it further in life. However, getting through all these degrees takes a lot of years. Sometimes a man may study till the age of 30 or beyond. Should he wait till then, as before that he would not have established himself economically.

I have been thinking about a scenario. Say a man and a woman get married at the age of 20(man) and 17(woman). If we assume they are both matured and responsible, and that their respective parents have agreed tpo continue funding their education for a few more years until they have a first degree (the womans parents support her education, while the mans parents support his education). Would this work?

[Umm.aly]

It cud work.. y not? BUT.. provided both of them take equal responsibilities.. coz they wud be lots of work included, besides studying.. its unfair to automatically assume tht being a girl, she will have to do all housework and studying, but if the guy is ready to chip in, and if they feel that they can really work it out btwn them, then y not?! also there will be alot of adjusting to be done, wud they stil be able to concentrate on their studies?

[abuali]

Yes, I also feel it could work very well. If the parents are supportive and the man and woman understanding of each other and responsible, it could become a success story.

I feel that the major distraction that youths have today which hinders their studies, is the opposite sex. There is a natural attraction between men and women which has been placed in humans so that they may love and care for each other.

Youths, because of lacking a spouse, are constantly distracted.

I feel that a married youth, even with the added responsibility, would perform better in studies and other tasks, provided that his/her partner is understanding. After all a spouse is supposed to be a life partner...someone who would make living life better and more beautiful.

The problem is, who will take the first step?

[Yas]

We got one sizzling topic going on! So... Early marriage - not feasible! Late marriage - gota be one long wait! Arranged marriage - welcome to the 21st Century! Love marriage - prohibited!?

Talk about dillemas. Generation gap... cultural conflict... traditions... modernization... just some of the key words that inevitably knock at the door when this issue is raised.

You've got to pity the parents you know. Being pulled from side to side in this controversial tug of war between "oh they love each other and so its ok..." and on the other hand "marriage? arranged! Here's her phone number. Here's her resume. All you need to know. Full stop." *shudders*.

I just realized... that's kind of off-topic! Anyway, it does intertwine with this "whole thing". I think we need to really alter the traditions of early marriage - though it is notable that they are scarce. Also, as suggested, a slightly more liberal introductory period... should help.

No real line of thought being argued here... lol. Just a few way ward opinions from here and there! Tc.

[abuali]

Yas...you just gave us all a feel of how complex the issue is.

I didnt however quite understand the following point you made:-

Also, as suggested, a slightly more liberal introductory period... should help.

What do others think about this issue? Both pro-early marriage and those against it are very much welcome to post their thoughts and ideas.

[Yas]

Well... I'm not quite the pro at arranged marriages, so I have this perhaps stereotyped conception about them. It involves engagement after a meeting or two in which the guy and girl decide whether they're suitable for each other or not? (I think). I mean... that just isn't enough time to get to know anyone - leave alone someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with... or isnt that how they work? :?

I do realize that allowing more unsupervised meetings could have negative consequences... but then again.. hmmmm... lol. Somebody help!

Ok now we got two threads running in one topic... tc.

[abuali]

:) I understand what you are trying to say. In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned 'semi-arranged marriages'

The literary (or traditional) meaning of arranged marriages is that the bride and groom dont meet or talk to each other until after the marriage. They basically rely on their family elders to do the matchmaking and maybe see a photo.

This ofcourse is not how it should be (my opinion...feel free to critisize)

The other extreme is that of having a boyfriend or girlfriend or a love affair...with the reason that inorder to know a person well one has to be with a person long enough to know him/her well.

This again I dont support. Apart from the religious reasons, a logical reason also appears to my mind. For example, if I like a girl and she becomes my girlfriend, how would I act when I am with her? Say I smoke and drink and go out till late nights to parties and stuff. I know she doesnt like it. I think I would make sure when I am with her, I am an angel...and I will also make sure she never finds out my real habits. (please tell me if you think this not to be true). I know she wont like my real habits, and because I like her, I will hide it from her.

So, staying with a person for months and years would not always mean that you know the person well. Thats why so many cases can be seen especially in the west, where a couple actually live together for many years, without marriags...very successfully...but once they marry...divorce usually follows in a short time.

I feel that you can never really know a person thoroughly. You would actually come to know a person very well after marriage, since marriage would involve all aspects of life...both responsibility with the pleasures of life. Hence the best way to know a person is to find out about his/her piety and religious background. With these two characteristics you can judge with reasonable certainity what kind of a person he/she would be. Then you can arrange the meetings, where both of you would put all your cards on the table, telling each other exactly what you expect out of marriage. And if you are compatible, then you go ahead.

What do you think?