Abdullah's Counseling Thread

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Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby abuali » 10 Sep 2007, 23:14

Salaam Alaykum

I take great pleasure in starting this thread and introducing to you our brother, Abdullah.

Abdullah (not the real name) has kindly consented in giving some of his time to try and assist any and all of us when we need some help (and all of us do need help sometime or the other).

For now there will be two ways of contacting Br. Abdullah: -

1. Posting your questions, concerns, worries, problems etc on this forum.
To ensure anonymity an account has been created with the following credentials:
Username: 'Insaan'
password: 'passask'.
Anyone is free to use this user-name to post a question on this thread. Kindly do not use this user-name to post anywhere else.

2. Sending a PM to Br. Abdullah

Br. Abdullah will be responding to as many questions as possible. No topic is out of bounds. The aim is to help us discuss our most worrying problems without having anyone else find out, and inshallah find a solution. Be it Marriage, Love, Drugs, Family Problems etc.

Bismillah...
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Postby Abdullah » 11 Sep 2007, 09:19

Thanks brother hasin for the kind introduction.

Through the experience I have had with young people in Dar es Salaam, the two main general issues that always come up are: -

1. Marriage Problems
2. Teen issues - going out, sexuality, freedom and so on.

So, let those questions come.
Last edited by Abdullah on 15 Sep 2007, 01:51, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Naved » 12 Sep 2007, 06:44

Salam Alaekum

One of the 14 infallibles said-
Whoever sorts out a problem of a believer, God sorts out his difficulties
of this world and the here-after .
(Biharol Anwar , Vol . 78 , P . 122)


Hence, Jazak Allah for ur noble approach towards a healthy and religious community across the globe. Insha Allah, most of the members shall benefit.

I have some suggestions which i 'll b drafting in few days.

Jazak Allah n Take care
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Postby smak786110 » 12 Sep 2007, 09:23

I really hope the youths will take full use of it !
:)
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Postby abuali » 12 Sep 2007, 10:23

Alaykum Salaam Naved and thank you for your kind words. Inshallah.

Br. Abdullah all the best.
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Re: Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby Abdullah » 13 Sep 2007, 22:19

So far, I have not received any questions or queries. I am hoping that means alhamdulilah we dont have soo many issues bothering youths in our community :lol:

Dont hesitate to give me a shout should there be anything!
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Re: Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby Insaan » 15 Sep 2007, 00:07

salaams bro,

Me and my family are following the taqleed of Agha Seestani. Masha Allah i have very good parents & they have done so much for me, i always thank Allah for this priceless blessing given to me. I aim to make my family very religious and obey the shariyat' completely.

Since i am aware of the gunaah with Music&Songs, i try to avoid it as much as possible but my parents like it a lot :(
They don't want to miss any musical program/competition. They very well know that its haraam but have forgot about its punishments.

I always leave the room whenever their musical programs start But they give excuse like " We are not listening with interest, its just a casual listening. "

Q.1) How to tackle this situation with parents so that they don't get hurt and the islamic msg is also delivered.?


Another thing is my mother is not much literate. She has just done her Matric. She's from pakistan. She wears Hijab when she goes out of home BUT the problem is when a na'mehram person enters our house, she is least concerned about hiding her hairs etc. Like when our driver comes in, mum never hides her hairs and never wears scarf but only DUPATTA. Although, he is an old man but still the hijab is obligatory infront of anyone, right?

Also, when my mother is standing outside our home, her hairs are open, clearly visible, she again uses a DUPATTA that time. She never wears a scarf/hijab when she has to bring something from a retail shop near our home.

I have been doing tabligh on proper hijab and have done extensive research on it, Alhmd. but how to convince and make my mother understand the philosophy of hijab ? My dad has no objections if she doesnt hide her hairs everytime in front of a namehram's visit at home like our driver/workers.

Q.2) Can u clarify the sins/punishments for a women when her hairs are visible in public place like in a shop? or to a nameh'ram. And how to make her realize that she is just following a kind of custom by wearing it when she's going out in Masjids n imambargah and not understanding it properly ?


2 questions r2b answered

awaitng reply,
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Re: Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby Abdullah » 15 Sep 2007, 01:47

Alaykum Salaam bro,

Thank you for putting forward your questions.

May I first congratulate you for your struggle and endeavor to try and gain more knowledge and to understand and follow the true-islam, in deed and word. That is very commendable among the youth and adult alike in our community.

I always believe that no one can be perfect, unless they are not human. It is the struggle against our selves and our environment that makes us more worthy in the eyes of our Lord, inshallah.

I am afraid I am not the very best of people to answer your question especially since you are looking for an answer from the religious angle. I am not qualified in islamic jurisprudence and my knowledge is at best limited.

However I have come across such cases before and have advised based on what I would have tried to do in my position..

This will be a lengthy answer, so please bear with me. Kindly give me a day or so to put it together. I will post it here soon.

In the meanwhile, my prayers are with you in your noble endeavor

One thing is for sure, never ever even say oof to your parents. Hence, if any approach would make them agitated and unhappy, that approach would not be an option.
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Re: Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby Insaan » 16 Sep 2007, 02:43

Salaam Alaikum.

My brother is totally out of religion, he does not pray and is into drugs he has bad friends..comes home late..and we have tried many ways to help him come to the right path...but he does not listen..
can you advise how to go about this situation and how to help him come out of his so called ''gang'' and ''drugs''..
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Re: Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby Abdullah » 12 Feb 2008, 01:37

My apologies for not answering these questions for so long. No excuse is excusable. I hope the brothers and sisters will forgive me.

Insaan wrote:salaams bro,

Me and my family are following the taqleed of Agha Seestani. Masha Allah i have very good parents & they have done so much for me, i always thank Allah for this priceless blessing given to me. I aim to make my family very religious and obey the shariyat' completely.

Since i am aware of the gunaah with Music&Songs, i try to avoid it as much as possible but my parents like it a lot :(
They don't want to miss any musical program/competition. They very well know that its haraam but have forgot about its punishments.

I always leave the room whenever their musical programs start But they give excuse like " We are not listening with interest, its just a casual listening. "

Q.1) How to tackle this situation with parents so that they don't get hurt and the islamic msg is also delivered.?


I have had a lot of time to think of your problem and I have referred to some literature as well.

[Keep in mind my limited knowledge] I would advice a solution based on two elements: mawadah/rahma + amr bil maaruf/nahi anil munkar

First and foremost, you should keep it in your mind that in no circumstance, in the course of amr bil maaruf and nahi anil munkar (ABM and NAM), should you say, do or act anything that would bring a feeling of 'being hurt' into the minds or hearts of your parents. This also means to not raise the issue in the presence of others who may look down upon them

Perhaps, since you have already tried the direct method of ABM and NAM, and it has not produced results, an indirect method would inshallah be more successful.

Studies of the human mind have revealed that man tends to be forgetful. And therefore if he is reminded often enough, he may grasp the idea and remember it. Scientists have also suggested the number of times that are necessary for a suggestion to be made to make man remember it. Some put it around 6 to 7 times.

We have many books which address Music, their harms, both in this world and in the everlasting world. How about buying one very inconspicuously making sure your parents get down to reading it?

There are several majalises that discuss the issue as well. Perhaps, if reading is not a good approach, then a majalis may be of help.

The key is in ensuring there are reminders.

Perhaps if they are constantly in attendance say in Juma namaaz or in local majalises, you could perhaps talk to the speaker and request him to speak about the effects and harms of music and the punishment without revealing your reasons.

You have to be patient. During the course of them reading the book or listening to the majalis, do not make any comments that may make them rebelious to the idea. Comments like 'You see, I told you so' may ruin all the effect.

Let them make their own decisions. Make them feel they have made the decision (which they are responsible for).

It is also advisable to express to them that you feel hurt when you see them engaged in such activities. This however should be done in a respectable manner without raising your voice. When a parent realises that their child is unhappy with something they are doing, I am sure they will reassess their actions.

Fi amanillah and all the best
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Re: Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby Abdullah » 12 Feb 2008, 01:46

Insaan wrote:Another thing is my mother is not much literate. She has just done her Matric. She's from pakistan. She wears Hijab when she goes out of home BUT the problem is when a na'mehram person enters our house, she is least concerned about hiding her hairs etc. Like when our driver comes in, mum never hides her hairs and never wears scarf but only DUPATTA. Although, he is an old man but still the hijab is obligatory infront of anyone, right?

Also, when my mother is standing outside our home, her hairs are open, clearly visible, she again uses a DUPATTA that time. She never wears a scarf/hijab when she has to bring something from a retail shop near our home.

I have been doing tabligh on proper hijab and have done extensive research on it, Alhmd. but how to convince and make my mother understand the philosophy of hijab ? My dad has no objections if she doesnt hide her hairs everytime in front of a namehram's visit at home like our driver/workers.



Once again I would recommend the approach that I advised earlier.

And what a better time and example to promote the importance of hijab than that of Safar when the holy ladies of the house of the Holy Prophet (SAWW) were being paraded in front of na mahrams.

If you can get a copy of Bibi Zainab (AS) speech and ensure your mum reads it, it may highlight to her inshallah what importance the Bibi gave to hijab. Her face being uncovered in a public place was a source of great sorrow for her as well as for Imam Ali Zainul Abideen (AS).

Perhaps also a reminder of the event on the sad eve of Sahme Ghariban, when the Bibi came to our bimar imam and asked whether they should leave the tent (and therefore give up their seclusion) or stay in the tents and burn to death. If we keep in mind that the bibi already knew that ones life must be saved, we can perhaps understand that she asked so that the shia women would realize how important hijab was to the sanie zahra and therefore how important it is to Allah (SWT)

Mothers are wonderful. They have a tender heart and a loving personality. Find some private time ensuring there will be no disturbance and have a heart to heart with her, expressing your grief at what you see and the perspective of our Aimmah (AS) as above.

Inshallah you shall be successful
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Re: Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby Abdullah » 12 Feb 2008, 01:48

Insaan wrote:
Q.2) Can u clarify the sins/punishments for a women when her hairs are visible in public place like in a shop? or to a nameh'ram. And how to make her realize that she is just following a kind of custom by wearing it when she's going out in Masjids n imambargah and not understanding it properly ?




i honestly dont see myself fit to answer the question above

However I am sure members in this forum can recommend books where the punishments for such a sin are described.

I understand there is a forum for discussion for hijab as well

Inshallah these will be of help
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Re: Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby Abdullah » 12 Feb 2008, 14:25

Insaan wrote:Salaam Alaikum.

My brother is totally out of religion, he does not pray and is into drugs he has bad friends..comes home late..and we have tried many ways to help him come to the right path...but he does not listen..
can you advise how to go about this situation and how to help him come out of his so called ''gang'' and ''drugs''..



Alaykum Salaam

I am praying for your brother. Allah (SWT)is great and he loves us all dearly.

Perhaps if I knew his age i would be able to give more particular advices. Nonetheless, maybe the following can help:

With users of drugs and those involved in gangs, the best remedy that has seemed to work with many is the 'never let him/her alone solution'

This means everywhere he goes, he has to be accompanied by someone that cares about him and that can stop him from doing anything thats harmful to himself. Normally this would be a family member whom he respects and would not dare smoke or take drugs in front of. He has to be monitored 24/7

Its not an easy task neither is it short term. It can take months! maybe even years. But it has to be started asap before things get any worse.

Peer pressure is prevalent today. Perhaps if he can be made to always be with people of his age who can have a positive effect on him (even if by force), over the long term this may have a good effect. This has to be done in addition to the above.

If things are really out of control, and the above two suggestions cannot be undertaken, the last resort is a rehab. There are rehabs in Tanzania, but I have received mixed reports about them, so I cannot recommend them neither can i tell you to avoid them. Perhaps someone who has had a first hand experience can elaborate better.

There are however several rehab centers in India. All this however has to be done under the advice of a qualified doctor.

Contact me if you want me to arrange a meeting with a doctor from our community.
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Re: Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby Abdullah » 13 Feb 2008, 21:16

Brothers and sisters

If the above advices have been of help or if they have failed to help, please let me know by email

With the help of Ask, I may be able to advice those who need advice over phone as well on a trial basis (for now)

If you wish to contact me via phone, you need to contact Br. Hasin, Br. Mazhar or myself either via PM or email so you can be given the number and a time. Inshallah I may be able to offer some help.
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Re: Abdullah's Counseling Thread

Postby abuali » 21 Feb 2008, 13:15

Br. Abdullah can now be reached by email as well on help [at] ask.or.tz

This now brings the number of ways to contact him to:

1. PM
2. This thread
3. Email
4. Phone

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