advice

Relationships are a complex and sensitive emotional, social, and religious area. This forum is open for you to post your problems. You can post in this forum as a Guest, without logging in, if you dont want others to know who you are. Or you can pm 'hasin' the administrator, with the problem. If need be, a relevant scholar will be contacted (without him being given any names) so that we can get correct guidance.
Guest

advice

Postby Guest » 01 Nov 2004, 18:22

i am a young lady of the community. a young decent married man of our community has sincerely asked me to marry him and be his second wife. what should i do?
User avatar
choco.chip
Ask Member
Ask Member
Posts: 20
Joined: 14 Oct 2004, 16:46
Contact:

Postby choco.chip » 02 Nov 2004, 01:00

i think it is alrgiht to marry him provided he treats both his wives equally.

An Nisa, Ayah 3, "and if you fear that you cannot deal justly with the orphans, then marry women who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if you fear that you shall not treat (so many) with equity then (marry) one only, or (the captive) that your right hands possess; it is more proper, that you may not transgress".
Sarah *
User avatar
abuali
Ask Admin
Posts: 3664
Joined: 30 Sep 2004, 19:33
Location: Dar es Salaam
Contact:

Postby abuali » 03 Nov 2004, 03:21

Dear Guest

May Allah help you with the making of the right decision.

There is no doubt that it is allowed by Sharia for a man to marry upto four wives.

I believe that the matter that has been confusing you, and the thoughts that have brought you to ask for an advice, is much deeper.

There are a couple of things that both you and the man who has proposed marriage to you, have to consider.


For you, you have the following questions to ask yourself:-

1. How will your family feel about the marriage? Will it hurt your family/parents? Will they support it?

2. How will the family of the man treat you, once you are married to him? Will they come to terms with the second marriage?

3. Will you yourself, be happy with the marriage?

For the man, the ayat of the Holy Qur'an which choco.chip has quoted, tells him what he has to consider:-

Can he treat his first wife and you, both, equally?

Personally I feel this to be almost impossible. And if the man feels he cannot, then he should not marry you.

Hence, you have to first bring up this question to him. And make sure that he is absolutely sure whether he can treat you and his first wife equally. If he has doubts....

Secondly, if you are young, I believe you should think twice. If you feel that this man is the msot pious man you can ever get as a husband, then you should consider marrying him. Or, if you feel that it will be difficult for you to get married with anyone else apart form this man, then you should consider his proposal.

In any other scenario, you have to remember, that although this is lawfully allowed in Islam, it is not a must! Hence, if you can get a better, more pious man, and one who is not already married or is divorced or a widower, then think about it twice.

This is what I feel.

If you need us to consult with a scholar on your behalf, please email me at hasin@ask.or.tz
Your query will be treated with utmost discretion.

May Allah guide us all.
User avatar
Sakina
Ask Member
Ask Member
Posts: 9
Joined: 18 Oct 2004, 10:01
Location: DSM
Contact:

Postby Sakina » 03 Nov 2004, 22:56

786
Salaam, i agree with hasin. The fact that you are even considering this offer seems scary to me. Are you sure you can live with a man who CANNOT devote himself entirely to you (and your future children) ? I Know I absolutely could Not!!

Does this man's wife even know that he has proposed to you? If she doesnt you are going to be dragged into the fight of your life!

Think about what you are doing and what your children will have to go through because their father may not always be able to be there for them.

Think about where you want to be 10 years from now and see if you can get there if you take this path.

May Allah (a'za wa jal) guide you and show you the right path.
~*~ $ @ /{ ! N @ ~*~
zafar
Ask Member
Ask Member
Posts: 46
Joined: 17 Oct 2004, 01:42
Location: Dar es Salaam

Postby zafar » 05 Nov 2004, 01:07

I understand your reaction - but sadly this is a fact of life. You have to see life from all angles. Especially if you see the number of unmarried females in our community and how they live alone and die alone with nobody husband or children to support and care for. Its very sad that our culture prevents us from this step.
I think if the young lady feels that an oppurtunity better than this will not come back in her life she should take it. Especially if she knows that the person will provide for her.
ZaFaR
User avatar
*Fatemah*
Ask Member
Ask Member
Posts: 66
Joined: 29 Oct 2004, 13:38
Location: Dar-es-salaam
Contact:

CAUTION!!!

Postby *Fatemah* » 06 Nov 2004, 02:45

s/a....well marrying a man which has 2 wives will eventually lead to frequent fights,jealousy...e.t.c. and tht will also lead to divorce....i am not implying tht all cases like this have to end in divorce but it is a possibility and besides allah(swt) has a plan for everyone if she dosent get a chance in life (i hope she does) that dosent mean she should grab an opputunity to live with a man who has 2 wives.Either way she will be the one in loss...i think tht she should think twice before making a decision esp if ure young...(referring to what hasin sed)...it is entirely upon you....will you be able to live with this decision....the ball is now in your court....remember this will be the decision tht u r going to make for the rest of your life....take extreme caution.

fATEMAH.
talib-e-ilm
Ask Member
Ask Member
Posts: 2
Joined: 08 Nov 2004, 12:38
Location: dsm
Contact:

Postby talib-e-ilm » 08 Nov 2004, 13:36

w/s
Well Guest I had read everyones comment but no one has inquired about the first wife. Is she old, Is she non-muslim, Is she not satisfying the needs of this decent man, Is she having extra marital affairs like his husband who is behind you. There are many questions everyone replied you with even reffering to quran how much quran we can understand. Come to Mohd & Ale Mohd (A.s) Whose examples we take always. Tell me how many wives did Mohd (s.a.) had when he was married to Bibi Khadija (A.s.) Or Imam Ali (a.s.) When He was with Bibi Fatimah (A.s.) why they didn't married in their presence ? what was the reason ? and last question to answer your question will u allow ur husband to marry with another young girl like after 2-3 months or year coz as you said ur so called desent man is young that means he is recently married i advice you dnt marry find a good boy prefrence shud be namaazi with heart not show off and i gaurantee you he will be with u forever and he will not think of marrying anyone else.
i hope u understand sorry if it hurts but to be a judge u shud know both sides
wasalaam
User avatar
Yas
Ask Senior
Ask Senior
Posts: 264
Joined: 19 Oct 2004, 00:27

Postby Yas » 08 Nov 2004, 23:39

Just to retort to the bro/sis above, I think it's a little harsh to immediately jump to such presumptions. A sensitive affair such as marriage is entirely customized based on individual circumstances and it entirely varies from person to person. However, good job in pointing out the possibilities, though I'm sure this has crossed the sisters mind and no doubt she would know better. Just keep it a little less sharp next time :) lol.
δ ע ∂ ∫ .>>
User avatar
abuali
Ask Admin
Posts: 3664
Joined: 30 Sep 2004, 19:33
Location: Dar es Salaam
Contact:

Postby abuali » 20 Nov 2004, 17:56

I agree with Yas.

A man has been allowed upto 4 wives in Islam (with srict conditions). And we know that Allah (SWT) does not command any laws without any reason. Hence there is definitely a very good reason for the multiple marriage to be allowed.

Hence it is allowed and there is nothing wrong in marrying a man who already has a wife.

The reason why I posted a lenghty reply to your question was because I understand that circumstances differ in every case. Hence your decision should not be no just because you fear that if he marries you he can marry another woman.

To the contrary, if he is a pious man, who will uphold your rights, and it will be hard for you to find another man of his quality and character, then you should go for it.
Ali Husein

Postby Ali Husein » 22 Nov 2004, 21:04

I would like to put a few points for consideration.

In Islam to marry another wife does not mean that the first wife is lacking something or has a fault. So this reason is not a requirement for another marriage.

Laws of Islam are based on rational terms and not emotional terms.

Man by nature is polygamus and woman monogamous.

Allah directly prohibitted the Prophet and Ali to marry another wife in the presence of these grand ladies Khadija and Fatema respectively. The other muslim women do not fall in these category.
Shaina
Ask Member
Ask Member
Posts: 9
Joined: 05 Dec 2004, 02:40
Location: Tanzania
Contact:

Postby Shaina » 18 Dec 2004, 23:19

salaams,
i must say that alot needs to be considered before this guest sister of ours comes to a decision!and what little information she has left is a basic statement that is very shallow for any1 to say smthng very precise!she should consider everythng altogether n i cn imagine how difficult it must be!Whn Almighty has put a law for a man to be allowed to have, HE knows the best for mankind!but as ppl hav put forward the point tat he has to be equal to all,is a very important statement that is y the staement is incomplete without it!!!well all i wnt to say is all the very best to u and may Allah help u to make the right decision!amin.
now i hav 1 question, is it wajib on the husband to ask for his 1st wife to marry a 2nd 1???2ndly i hav a comment on our CULTURE tat i have observed as a girl in our community.whn a gal reaches her mature age of beyond 25yrs of age, ppl stop considerin her as a gal who could get married! personally,this is nt right!the girls might have been studying and not been able to take up the responsibilty of marriage, or she might have not gotten the right partner to get married to....i think ths matter should be looked into as well....coz that leads to many of the girls getin marriage proposals of men who are widower or separated, with or without kids!im nt saying it is wrong to get married to men who were married or have kids or separated but age difference matters too!not too much of a gap and not close a gap!an appropriate gap is whr the understanding lies!pls correct me if im wrong!
shaina
User avatar
Yas
Ask Senior
Ask Senior
Posts: 264
Joined: 19 Oct 2004, 00:27

Postby Yas » 24 Dec 2004, 16:14

Guest,
Flaming will strictly not be tolerated on this forum. Please refrain from such inappropriate behaviour. Sharing your opinions, ideas, and thoughts are perfectly ok and very highly encouraged; however, kindly exclude getting personal and limit criticism. Post in a constructive manner and this will ensure a conducive environment for healthy discussions. Your post has been reported and may be subject to editing if the relevant moderator/admin see fit. Thank you.

Tc,
δ ע ∂ ∫ .>>
User avatar
Sayyeda
Ask Senior
Ask Senior
Posts: 479
Joined: 19 Oct 2004, 16:48
Location: Dar es Salaam
Contact:

Postby Sayyeda » 25 Dec 2004, 20:08

S/a everyone.

This is to inform you all that such behaviour is "strictly prohibited" on this forum. I do agree with Yas and I being the Moderator of this Section, have deleted the post. And I hope that we will not have such abusive language again.

Thank you!
*~* Stop analysing life, Just live it!... "Your today is the tomorrow that you were worried about yesterday!"*~*
User avatar
Sayyeda
Ask Senior
Ask Senior
Posts: 479
Joined: 19 Oct 2004, 16:48
Location: Dar es Salaam
Contact:

Postby Sayyeda » 15 Mar 2005, 19:44

Hey people,

I refused harsh language, but it seems you all stopped posting!?!?! :roll:

C'mon go ahead... post something!

:arrow: However, the rule still applies, no harsh language on this forum! :)
*~* Stop analysing life, Just live it!... "Your today is the tomorrow that you were worried about yesterday!"*~*
User avatar
sadika
Ask Novice
Ask Novice
Posts: 222
Joined: 02 May 2005, 11:46

Postby sadika » 02 Jun 2005, 22:23

a very tough situation indeed...i dont know what I would do
Sadika - A Muslimah in search of the truth

Return to “Family & Relationships”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests