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User avatar
By Moonbeam
#16014
Salaam
I was thinking about the Hadith of the Holy Prophet (saw) regarding child upbringing; from birth to 7yrs the child is king, from 7-14 the child is a servant/slave and from 14yrs onwards the child should be like a friend. Well i was wondering what it actually means by 'king' and 'servant'. Does it mean that while the child is 0-7yrs, he is indulged in everything just as a king? he is the one who rules, you as a parent have no say in shaping them? and from 7 yrs onwards you actually start disciplining them? What do YOU think the Holy Prophet meant?
User avatar
By Insaan
#16040
hmmmm i thnk it has to be taken literally

wat other meaning cud it have?
User avatar
By Moonbeam
#16049
I was also thinking of how we tend to inculcate the love of going out in a child from a very young age, by luring them that you are going "tata" just so that a child may come to you (yours or someone else's). You will see that immediately a child responds by wanting to go out. Is it surprising then, when in later years, a child is easily bored of staying home and is constantly seeking entertainment, as opposed to being creative with whatever resources are there on hand?
User avatar
By sadika
#16056
or like 'pipi khape' [up] . do this and u'll get a sweet and so on
User avatar
By Reyhana
#16509
Islamic upbringing of kids:

Learned the below lessons from the zakira who had come to recite ashra majlises, posted in this forum as it is related with the topic.

The Prophet of Allah (SAW) is
reported to have said:

"A child should be treated like a master and a commander up to the age of
seven years. Between the ages of 7 to 14, he should be treated like an obedient
subordinate and thereupon like an advisor or a minister." "Al-Hadith", by Morteza
Farid, vol. 3, p. 103.

THE FIRST STAGE:
From the age of 0-7 the child’s subconscious is very strong,hence one should be very careful regarding the effects of the environment/surroundings of the child. Whatever the child hears/sees remains in his subconscious and has a big hand in molding his life.
The parents have to be very alert in this stage as whatever they do or say is recorded in the subconscious of the innocent child, though the parents think the child doesn’t understand anything. Parents should be very careful not to argue or fight where the child can hear or see them as it will be stored in his subconcsiousness forever.
It is strongly recommended to recite Holy Quran in the presence of the child whether he is asleep, awake, playing or eating, in short at all times, as the child’s subconscious will retain it. Nowadays with CD’s and DVD’s of Holy Quran available this has become much more easier .
Islam tells us that during this age the child is a king,hence he should be given much love and appreciation and allowed to have his ways as long as they aren’t harmful. His parents have to win his trust in this age.

A WORD OF CAUTION: Remember your child in this age should be a disciplined king and not a spoilt king hence the parents have to discipline him whenever necessary NOT through scolding/beating but through love and patience.
VERY IMPORTANT POINT: Scolding or beating during this stage will lead to no change in the child apart from breaking the trust of the child and damaging his personality.

The child will have the following 4 SPIRITUAL DISEASES/WEAKNESSES if the parents have committed negligence during this delicate stage:
(1) ANGER
(2) REVENGEFUL
(3) NO AIM IN LIFE [very dangerous situation as even when the child grows up though if he is a father he will have to provide for his family and if she is a mother will have to raise kids etc but they will just do their jobs for the sake of doing without any interest or aim.
(4) NO POWER OF UNDERSTANDING/samjhne ki salaahiyat nahi rahegi [hence even if you are telling him something and he is listening but he isn’t understanding.

When Ayatullah Murtadha Ansaari’s child was born both parents used to discuss ilm/knowledge,as Ayatullah was a teacher and he used to prepare the notes while reading them out aloud while his wife used to pose him questions regarding them and he used to answer her questions,both parents used to discuss ilm in the presence of the child and when Ayatullah used to leave home for teaching then his wife used to recite from the Holy Quran while cooking,cleaning etc keeping the child near her at all times,so the child used to hear Holy Quran whether asleep or awake. When the child started walking, Ayatullah Ansari used to take him to the madrassa where he used to teach ,while the child busied himself playing with the pigeons in the madressa courtyard while his subconscious heard and retained the teachings of his father in the madressa. Hence when the child became of school age ,and was admitted to school within the first month he used to be transferred to a higher grade because he knew everything of that grade and this continued till he attain ed the lofty postiton of Ayatullah at the age of 14!

This shows us how STRONG AND CAPABLE the laa shu’ur/subconscious of a child is in this age alas we parents don’t understand this and waste this precious opportunity given to us By the merciful God.

The biggest blunder parents commit at this stage is that they fight/argue/do gheebah/watch stupid programs/speak nonsense words e.t.c in the child’s presence thinking that the child doesn’t understand anything while in reality everything is being absorbed by his strong subconscious and will show its effects in his later life.
User avatar
By Reyhana
#16510
THE SECOND STAGE:

From age 7-14 yrs is the stage when the child is a servant/slave, hence in this stage responsibilities should be given to the child to perform tasks according to his capability e.g setting the table, doing some chores ,cleaning his room e.t.c. This prepares him for accepting responsibilities and becoming confident.

The parents should point out the child’s mistake in a polite manner and absolute care should be exercised against NAGGING the child, and one should SCOLD only when necessary, as scolding suppresses the child’s talent and makes him feel that he has no capability which leads to loss of self esteem.

A hadith says never to insult a child e.g by calling him with silly nicknames or abusing him verbally/physically/emotionally as this enters into his subconscious and greatly damages his personality.A child should be treated with respect if parents want him to treat them with respect.

Never tell any of the child’s weaknesses to anyone,
Never scold infront of anyone.
Never pinpoint his weaknesses.
Do not call him loudly or with anger infront of anyone.

Do not compare your child with his siblings or to any other child as this will create jealousy in the child for the one whom he is being compared to resulting in sibling rivalry,enemity e.t.c
Parents should always treat all their children equally without doing any kind of injustice or favoring one child over another.

Once a lady came to the Holy Prophet of Islam for asking him about some religious masaael,in her arms she had a younger child while holding her hand was a toddler. She had given each of them one date which they were munching, the elder child hurriedly finished his date and opened the palm of his mother which contained few dates [the mother was so engrossed in her conversation with The Holy Prophet that she didn’t realize it] and began eating them one by one till they were finished while the younger child was looking at all these and then staring at his mother.When The Prophet came to know what had transpired he became angry and said la’an on those who do injustice btn their children’’,while for us this event seems very minor but The Holy Prophet’s words prove the grievousness of the situation as the child which was deprived his share will always harbor jealousy in his heart for his elder sibling and the natural feelings of love and affection btn the siblings will be destroyed by such an act.

Parents should be very careful not to do anything that show their affection or favour one of their child over others. If a gift is bought for one child then other children too should be given gifts according to their age. If one child asks for something then other children should also be asked what they want too,and if their demands are appropriate then every child should be given at one and the same time. Sometimes it so happens that parents remember what one child had asked for and bring it for him while forgetting what the other one had asked for and tell him that they forgot and will bring next time, this makes the left out child feel unloved and unimportant as his demand was forgotten while his sibling’s demand was remembered.

The question arises,can the parents beat the child in this stage? Islam answers, can you beat your slave/servant? NO,in the same way you cant beat your child as apart from damaging his personality it won’t do any good.
Any negligence in this stage will lead the child to become IRRESPONSIBLE in his life apart from other spiritual weaknesses bought by nagging/overscolding/beating e.t.c
User avatar
By Reyhana
#16511
THIRD STAGE:

From age 14-21 yrs is the stage when the child is your vizier/advisor. Parents are told to become friends with their child in this stage and share their problems e.t.c with their child and seek his opinion in important matters, though of course the final decision rests with the parents. Even fathers are advised to share their work/business problems with their children in this stage and seek their opinion.
Care should be taken not to let the child know the bank balance/savings the father has ,as then the child will think why he should make efforts in work/study as his father is so wealthy e.t.c hence it will destroy his sense of responsibility and effort.

A NOTE OF CAUTION: Parents have to be extra careful during this stage as the child has entered his teens and because of hormonal changes in his body has mood swings, attraction to surroundings/environment.

It has been observed that in this stage kids search for best friend to share their emotions with and build strong friendship bonds which can result in absorption of the negative influences of the friend. A hadith of our Aimmah says [in my words]that when your child enters in his teens and searches for a best friend then you become his best friend as then the environment will not have any affect on him.

This hadith emphasizes on the importance of understanding your child and getting close to him so he can share his feelings/problems e.t.c with you instead of looking for a best friend elsewhere who can have a lasting influence on him.

RULES should be put in this stage by the parents for the child to abide by, e.g The child asks for a labtop/computer which he says is necessary for his school work e.t.c hence if the parents decide on buying it for him, the child should be told that ok fine we will buy it for you but on the condition that the computer will be placed in our room,to which the child will excitedly agree as he wants so much the labtop e.t.c BUT if parent just buy it without setting any rules then after a time realize their mistake and want to set rules it will be difficult as the child will rebel saying why did you allow it to be placed in my room before, don’t you trust me now? E.t.c

It so happens that sometimes parents set so many rules and then forget them, once parents set the rules they should remember them. Doas and tarbiyate aulad goes hand to hand hence one should always ask God for helping one to give proper Islamic upbringing
to ones kids and ask Almighty for granting one a virtuous progeny who can assist the Imam of our time.
User avatar
By Reyhana
#16512
Our Aimmah have said: ‘’four things make kids best/behtareen or worst/badtareen and these are: PARENTS, ENVIROMENT, TEACHERS, HEREDITY/GENES.

From the above 4 things we have talked about parents role in upbringing of their kids, we have also seen how the effects of environment can be controlled through the parents becoming the best friends of their children, as for influence of teachers on kids this is also very important point, as we can see how Yazeed’s son i.e. ‘’Muawiyah 2’’turned out to be totally against his father and didn’t accept the caliphate which he said smelled of the Holy Prophet’s progeny’s blood. He openly criticized his father’s doings infront of the assembly of 25 dignitaries from different countries invited by Yazeed .

How was this possible? The fact is that from a tender age Muawiyah 2 was in the care of a tutor who was a lover of ahlul bayt, as yazeed hardly spent any time with his son hence muawiyah 2 was totally under the care of his tutor at all times hence the influence his tutor had in his upbringing is clearly observed.
For removing the bad effects of heredity/genes one should resort to doas from our Aimmah like sahifa-e-Sajjadiyah doa no 25, prayers for virtuous offspring e.t.c

Salat For Children by the Parents


It is a 4 Rak’at salat. Pray it in 2 sets of 2 Rak’ats each, like Fajr salat with the following adjustments.
Make niyyat of salat for children.

First set

(i) In the first Rak’at, after the recitation of al Fatihah, recite the
following verse 10 times.

رَبَّنَا وَاجْعَلْنَا مُسْلِمَيْنِ لَكَ وَمِن ذُرِّيَّتِنَا أُمَّةً مُّسْلِمَةً لَّكَ وَأَرِنَا مَنَاسِكَنَا وَتُبْ عَلَيْنَا ۖ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ التَّوَّابُ الرَّحِيمُ

Rabbanaa waj-a'lnaa Muslimayni laka wa min d'urriyyatinaaa ummatam muslimatallak wa arinaa manaasikanaa wa tub a'laynaa innaka antat tawwaabur rah'eem

Our Lord, make us both (Muslims) submissive lo You, and of our progeny (make) a group submissive (only) to You, and show us the ways of our devotion, and turn to us (mercifully)'. verily, You and You (alone) are the oft-turning (in mercy), the Merciful.(Sura al-Baqarah, 2 :128).

(ii) In the second Rak’at, after the recitation of al Fatihah, recite 10 times dua"a 26 :

رَبِّ اجْعَلْنِي مُقِيمَ الصَّلاَةِ وَمِن ذُرِّيَّتِي رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلْ دُعَاء

Rabbij-A’lnee Muqeemas’ S’alaati Wa Min D’urrriyyatee Rabbanaa Wa Taqabbal Du-A’aa

O Lord, make me steadfast in prayer, and (also) some of my offspring. O our Lord, accept my prayer. (Sura Ibrahim, 14: 40).



and du-a"a 27:

رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيَّ وَلِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَوْمَ يَقُومُ الْحِسَابُ

Rabbanaghfir Lee Wa Liwaalidayya Wa Lil-Mu’mineena Yawma Yaqoomul H’isaab

O our Lord, forgive me and my parents and believers on the day when the reckoning shall come to pass. (Sura Ibrahim, 14: 41).


Second Set

(i) In the first Rak’at, after the recitation of al Fatihah, recite dua'a 44:


رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

Rabbanaa Hab Lanaa Min Azwaajinaa Wa D’urriyyaatinaa Qurrata A’-Yuniw Waj – A’lnaa Lil – Muttaqeena Imaamaa

O our Lord, grant us out of our wives and our offspring that which cheers our eyes, and make us guides of those who safeguard themselves against evil. (Sura al-Furqan, 25:74).

(ii) In the second Rak’at, after the recitation of al Fatihah, recite duaa 56:

رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِي أَنْ أَشْكُرَ نِعْمَتَكَ الَّتِي أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيَّ وَعَلَى وَالِدَيَّ وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَالِحًا تَرْضَاهُ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي فِي ذُرِّيَّتِي إِنِّي تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّي مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِينَ

Rabbi Awzi’-Nee An Ashkura Ni’-Matakal Lateee An-A’mta A’layya Wa A’laa Waalidayya Wa An A’-Mala S’aalih’an Tarz”Aahu Wa As’lih’lee Fee D’urriyyatee Innee Tubtu Ilayka Wa Innee Minal Muslimeen.

O Lord, arouse me that I may thank You for the bounties You have bestowed on me and my parents, and that I may do good which pleases You, and do good to me with regard to my offspring. Verily I turn repentant to You, and verily I am one of those who submit. (Sura al-Ahqaaf, 46: 15).

After the salam pray again 10 times dua'a 44:

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

Rabbanaa Hab Lanaa Min Azwaajinaa Wa D’urriyyaatinaa Qurrata A’-Yuniw Waj – A’lnaa Lil – Muttaqeena Imaamaa

O our Lord, grant us out of our wives and our offspring that which cheers our eyes, and make us guides of those who safeguard themselves against evil. (Sura al-Furqan, 25:74).

This salat makes your children virtuous and obedient.
User avatar
By Moonbeam
#16513
Salaam Sister Reyhana

jazakallah for your post! You have given me lots of points n food for thought on child upbringing. (jazakallah)
User avatar
By Reyhana
#16515
(wasalam) Moonbeam,
Glad to hear you found my post informative. May Almighty grant us the tawfeek to act on this knowledge .
My heartiest (jazakallah) to ''zakira Zainab aapa'' for sharing this invaluable information with us.
User avatar
By Reyhana
#16520
Important point: forgot to mention that the pregnancy and breastfeeding periods play a crucial role in the upbringing ,as whatever the mother does/sees/feels e.t.c has its good or bad affects on the child, hence the mother should always be in a state of wudhoo,reciting Holy quran,having good thoughts, avoiding watching anything haram e.t.c during her pregnancy period and while breastfeeding her child.
User avatar
By Moonbeam
#16955
(salam)

Just trying to get some thoughts and perspectives about another aspect of child upbringing.

How do you instill azadari in ones kids?

I have been taking my toddler to the mosque these past ten days, and the moment we sit down in the toddlers section, he expectantly turns towards my bag which holds all his entertainment for the next hour - his snacks and his toys.

So while he plays away and generally keeps himself amused, i can peacefully (!!!) listen to the majlis. This doesnt generally happen since I have to be alert of the other children around him who come over to play with him or he goes over to other children to play. So really, neither of us get to hear the majalis.

Initially i thought i wont take anything for him, no snacks or toys. But everyone around him has them, and if he doesnt have any of his own, he will take others'. So i end up taking something for him anyways.

What message am i giving my young one? Am i indirectly teaching him that the mosque is a playing and time pass place? or am i indirectly instilling in him the spirit of azadari?
By Fatima88
#20591
@Reyhana

Your replies were truly very helpful. I would like to ask tips to raise a son especially. I am expecting and everyday I fear that if I have a son, how much can I as a mother do in raising him up because he will go out more often etc.
By Fatima88
#20640
Also, please guide how to start on making your child read Quran if you don't want to send or rely on Madressah only for their religious teaching
User avatar
By Reyhana
#21082
Salaams Sis @Fatima88
Apologies for the late reply.
Have not come across any specific material regarding upbringing of a son.

InshaAllah if you work with the above guidelines in each stage of upbringing, Allah will grant you success inshaAllah.

Can understand your fear Sis it is but natural & needed too, otherwise we would not make the efforts needed for giving a good Islamic upbringing to our children.. just channel it in a positive way trusting that Allah finds you capable for the upbringing of whichever child He blesses you with.
Take one day at a time and the future will shape itself..

Be ready for errors & mistakes, never give up. Patience will be a much needed tool in all the stages.
Efforts are in your hands and the results are in Allah's, so dont worry about what is in Allah's hands.
May Allah bless you with a healthy & pious child.

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