Boyfriends or Girlfriends in Islam.............

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Pearls of Wisdom
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Boyfriends or Girlfriends in Islam.............

Postby Pearls of Wisdom » 06 Jan 2005, 01:14

I dunno how many of us would actually read this and believe in what this says...As muslims i think we should all try our best to do what our religion permits us to do...Even if u find it hard....

What does Islam say about having Boyfriends or Girlfriends?



Islam strictly forbids us to have any kind of relationship with a Non-Mehram ( people you can get married to). Whether it’s just a friendship relationship or love relationship or even fiancé relationship.



Before Nikkah, no contacts should be indulged between a man and a woman. Cause; remember when two people are alone (a boy and a girl) the third person there is the Satan (Evil), who always encourages you to commit sins and as a result it leads to Jina/Fornication.



And as Muslims we must be knowing that Fornication or Adultery, (sex outside marriage) is Haram in Islam. It is considered to be one of the major sins.



Dear brothers and sisters in Islam, are we so pious that we can afford to carry these sins with us to the Hereafter? If you ask me, I’ll have to say no, because I know that, the weight of my sins are way heavier then my rewards, so therefore I can’t afford to commit those sins, and I am sure neither can you.



Many of us claim that they are not doing anything wrong, just by talking on the phone or chatting on MSN, writing mail or e-mailing, with their boyfriends or girlfriends. But we have to realize that, it is still wrong to do that, because we are still in contact with a non-mehram, which is again strictly prohibited in Islam.



And some others say that it’s ok if they talk to their fiancé or future husband/wife, but what is the guarantee that, this person will end up being your life partner? Then why, waste our jewels or modesty, unnecessarily?



Allah Tallah has mentioned it to us that, “the zina of the ear is what you hear, the zina of the tongue is what you say, the zina of the mind is what you think, the zina of the hand is what you touch, and the zina of the eye is what you see”. Is it still not clear enough that by any sorts of contact we are still committing sins?



By saying “I love you” to any boy/girl, we are committing the zina of our tongue, by hearing something like that from someone, we are committing the zina of our ear, and so on.



So therefore, dear brothers and sisters, its time we wake up and open up our hearts and ears and turn back to Allah’s command. We can’t allow the devil to take over us. The person we sacrifices for the sake of Allah, surely Allah will grant them happiness.



This is especially for Women:

Allah Talla has given us (the women) the best jewel we could have, and that gets lost when we expose it in front of other men. The women’s bodies are like the rose petals and if touched or seened to much over and over again, it will loss its lustre. Would any of us keep our diamonds displayed in public? Then, why is it that we are displaying our bodies to others.



We have to remember that, whatever Allah Talla commanded us to do that is what is best for us.

AND LET ME REMIND U AGAIN CLEARLY THAT ……..



Kissing, not allowed in Islam

Hugging, not allowed in Islam

Talking on the phone with non-mehram, not allowed in Islam

Writing mail… still not allowed in Islam

NOW IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THE POINT IS PRETTY CLEAR DON’T U THINK???

And remember to do Istikhara Salah before you decide to marry anyone, cuz Allah is All-Knowing, and He knows what we know not. Like a person by their Iman, not by how they look, or what they have or what they are.


May Allah Talla give us the ability to stay away from these evil acts and bless us with His Mercy and guide us on the right path. Ameen.
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sorry ... but

Postby samnt » 06 Jan 2005, 13:03

the rules appear to be too harsh for our time today.

what are the chances that i am going to be getting married to someone only my parents know?

what are the chances that i will be getting married to someone who is like pandoras box?

what are the chances we can get engaged and then dont like each other ... so then the engagement goes and the girl looses face in "society"?

i am just curious
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Postby Yas » 06 Jan 2005, 22:05

I agree with samnt when he says the rules are too harsh for our time. It is simply impratical to maintain such strictness... I also think that the whole issue of a girl "losing her reputation" in a community is gradually fading as more interaction between the sexes becomes gradually accepted - whether this is good or not, progress or corruption, is another issue which I open for debate.

I think relationships are quite tempting and it is fairly easy to engage in one today... gone are the days when you could simply communicate using your friends as messengers to pass on minute chits of paper with barely visible handwriting...lol. Also, relationships are not entirely emotional... it's not purely about love; they have an entire rational aspect to them which comes with mental maturity - well serious ones anyway! And ofcoures there is the entire physical attraction issue which is quite obvious.

However, at this point I feel that healthy limited friendships can prove to be constructive and are ok in maintaining provided, ofcourse, boundaries are kept. I'm sure alot of people will agree with me on this.

Tc.
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Postby abuali » 08 Jan 2005, 01:01

I think we may have misunderstood the PRIMARY focus of the original post by Pearls of Wisdom.

The heading of her post says ' Boyfriends or Girlfriends in Islam...

I think she is trying to focus on that 'special' relationship that develops between a man and woman....which is definitely more than platonic...

I definitely agree that such relationships are haraam.

Coming to platonic relationships...before I share my view on the issue...which may as well be wrong...I wanted to pose a question...

Can a purely platonic relationship exist between a man and woman or boy and girl? In other words, can a boy and girl be very good friends...and just friends...nothing more?
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Postby Umm.aly » 08 Jan 2005, 19:49

Gud qstn posed here..
I have been wondering bout tht too for quite sometime, n this is wat i feel...
The line between a platonic relation, and that special relation is very very thin... n i feel u dnt really know wen u have crossed one to enter the other until probably its too late to turn back..
I think there's also the intention of both parties to consider.

I know i havent answered Hasin's qstn.. coz i cnt for sure say yes or no.. but well have just posed my thoughts regarding this issue..
Would like to add another qstn here.. is having a platonic relation btwn a girl n a guy allowed in Islam? purely friendship..( if possible :? )
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Postby Yas » 08 Jan 2005, 23:48

I think what defines a platonic relationship and a "special" one is the communication involved. Which also kind of ties in neatly with answering whether or not a "friendship" can be maintained - what a friendship is, again can be answered by the amount of contact.

Which brings me to the next problem... it's quite an individual issue. The problem is that you're trying to address a matter which has "come up" - inevitably, due to forced cultural change... contact between the sexes before marriage is unavoidable; something we have to accept. This is why it becomes quite a personal issue - what you define as a friendship may be totally different to what someone else defines. Thus, its not possible to set a benchmark, or a yardstick, or a standard to conform to... not forgetting that emotions aren't a mechanical thing lol.

Unless ofcourse it's within an instituation - say a school, where you have authority and regulations binding this.

Personally I don't think there is any simple, pin the tail on the donkey solution... there's always going to be grey areas. Tc.
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Postby abuali » 09 Jan 2005, 11:57

I agree with both Muhaddisas and Yasirs points...its definitely complicated...however...its only complicated if we MAKE IT SO.

To try and deliver my point...i will refine my question...

I am not talking about a friendship which means saying salaam to one another...when by chance a man and woman meet on the street, once in two months...and then going each others way....

I am specifically speaking about friendsip as in FRIENDSHIP...everyday contact...everyday meetings...whether online or at school...everyday CONVERSATIONS....

Yes I agree...it differs from person to person...but so does the effect of a small level of alcohol or music for that matter...

What I am trying to bring out...is the general effect of such 'PLATONIC FRIENDSHIPS'

So in the context above...once again: -

Can a purely platonic relationship exist between a man and woman or boy and girl? In other words, can a boy and girl be very good friends...and just friends...nothing more?
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Postby Yas » 09 Jan 2005, 19:34

Ok this is totally off topic but I wish we had more experts and experienced people involved...
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Postby abuali » 09 Jan 2005, 20:20

:D inshallah we will soon have plenty of people...

Think about the question for a while...what does logic dictate...
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Postby mahd_sach » 19 Jan 2005, 02:21

From my expereince i think it is perfectly possible for a man and a woman to be just friends and mothing more :!: ( Although i know that Isalm forbids even talking to the opposite sex and i can understand why this is so).

I had a hindu friend a few years ago and because of the fact that he was a hindu, we both knew that nothing serious could ever happen between us --- I could not marry a hindu nor could he marry a muslim.

I think it was because of this that we turned out to be quite good friends.

I also think what Muhaddisa said is true, that it depeneds on the intention of both parties.
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Postby abuali » 20 Jan 2005, 00:17

( Although i know that Isalm forbids even talking to the opposite sex and i can understand why this is so).


According to your understanding, why does Islam forbid the talking of two people of opposite gender, while alone?
(As a note, I want to add that Islam does not forbid the talking of a man or woman in every circumstance. There are certain conditions)

I am specifically speaking about friendsip as in FRIENDSHIP...everyday contact...everyday meetings...whether online or at school...everyday CONVERSATIONS....


The above is a quote from my previous post, highlighting the essence of my question.

And you seem to agree that its the intention of the parties that count

I also think what Muhaddisa said is true, that it depeneds on the intention of both parties.


Naturally, the next question I would ask is, whether you think its possible for a human being (apart from the masooms or infallibles) to be very good friends with a member of the opposite sex, day in and day out, spending time together, making jokes, visiting each other etc etc (i mean how long can two friends just talk about school work or business???), and not develop any intentions, which are, for lack of a better word, inappropriate?

Please note, that for attraction to be there, it is not necessary that the two people have to be from the same religion or caste or agreeable to each other in marriage....marriage is a totally different issue....(and even if a person had to be acceptable for marriage before one can develop attraction for him/her, people do change religions and inter-religion marriages do happen)

I had a hindu friend a few years ago and because of the fact that he was a hindu, we both knew that nothing serious could ever happen between us --- I could not marry a hindu nor could he marry a muslim.


My question is not about 'being' serious' with someone. Its exactly the opposite. We usually are wise enough to be very careful about our serious decisions like marriage (atleast I hope that we are). Its the not-so-serious things I am talking about. Like sharing dirty jokes, 'friendly-flirting', physical contacts like shaking or holding hands or brushing shoulders....etc etc

My apologies for asking, but are you female?
Its just that the first impression i had while reading your Username was that you are male.

P.S. My assumptions are very general, and aimed at myself rather than anyone else...but just to provoke responses from all of you...
Last edited by abuali on 20 Jan 2005, 01:03, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Yas » 20 Jan 2005, 00:48

LOL Hasin there's only 2 genders identified so far you know :P . Neway, mahd_sach welcome to the forum.
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Postby mahd_sach » 20 Jan 2005, 02:12

Firstly i would like to clarify tht i am in fact a female 8) and that my friend was a male. (does ma usernam rlly seem like a male?!?! :( )

in answer to ur question as to y islam forbids talking between ppl of the opposit sex, i believe talking (esp wen alone) can lead to bein attracted to tht person, which can lead to being obsessed with tht person, which can lead to so many different things, i could make a story for a soap opera!!!

i relaize now tht 'forbid' was a v. morbid word n tht perhaps i should have used the word 'avoiding', because obviously ther are circumstances wen u r allowed to talk to ppl of da opposite sex

ur nxt question was "how long can two friends just talk about school work or business???)"
well i have to admit we dint go as far as spending every day together, we were just 'classroom' friends. we did not flirt or share dirty jokes etc so we did manage to go without the friendship turnin into anythin serious, n by serious i mean more than just friends. ( i wud think tht if u went as far as flirtin den u do seriously like the person ! (or perhaps ppl just flirt for fun, :? wateva))

I would also lik to add tht i used the word marriage bcaus i do not go out wid ppl (im soo gud :D imagin tht!) so in my case da nxt step after likin is to think of marriage. also i no tht for attraction to occur two ppl dont have to be da same relig etc, but tht was my whole point... tht da reason i wasnt atttracted to him was becaus he was a hindu.

so do i think a human beings are able to to be very good friends with a member of the opposite sex? well in ma experience yes.... as long as the intentions are right. perhaps this was a one off thing... perhaps if i had known him longer som sort of attraction wud have formed but im sooo glad it dint! loll
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Postby abuali » 20 Jan 2005, 11:52

Thank you for your post.

There is nothing wrong with your Username...its just my limited thinking capacity...Dont worry about it...

Ok, so from what I gather, your friendship, was not a 'close' friendship...in the sense that you were not together most of the time, and were never alone with him etc etc.

According to what i have seen, sometimes even classroom friends have inappropriate intentions, due to the attraction developing in maybe just one of them (or both), due to the fact that he/she feels that the opposite person is also interested because they are being friendly (call it high hopes or day dreaming)...and the friendly flirting (which takes place with laughter and all) does take place among public (i.e they are not necessarily alone).....this being a topic for another discussion in itself.

However, as I said in my earlier posts, there is nothing wrong in greeting each other when you happen to pass by or say salaam or talk business or work as long as its not done extravagantly. Thats what i feel.

In your particular case, you stood by your intentions because of the fact that he was hindu.

My apologies for taking this from another angle...but I am just curious...just incase he wasnt a hindu, and was a muslim or shia...then, since marriage was a possibility, and hence more danger to intentions, you would not have befriended him?

The point I am trying to drive to, is if we look at it that way, then we (male and female) will befirend non-muslims only, because it will be easier to control the intentions. And I am sure you can see where this can lead to...

Once again, my post is directed generally to all and more to myself rather than anyone else.

And, I am not opposed to friendship...I am opposed to what 'friendship' these days has come out to mean.

[just as a side note, there is no account of history that I have come across which has any incident of any Imam that has a very good female friend (or any female friend for that matter], even though they are masoom and their intentions can never be polluted, even for a milisecond]
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Postby Muntazir Manji » 28 Jan 2005, 14:08

salaams,

This is indeed a very interesting discussion, and im glad that we're actually talking about these issues that we face on a daily basis. But my opinion (2 cent worth!)...

Since we are muslims, we have a code of practice, and it is compulsory for us to adhere to that code, regardless of our likes and dislikes. Ofcourse these laws are for our advantage... how? thats another discussion!.. feel free to ask..

Anyways, i believe instead of going through a whole long discussion, why not come down to basics.. The shariah requires that males and females should limit their interaction, then why not? The shariah is a shariah sahla.. easy law.. it only requires that we limit our interaction, not severe it altogether!... then why not keep up with the hellows and moral business talk.. because the final result of all these laws is the preservation of the dignity of the muslim ummah and particularly the muslim woman.

I say this from personal observation that those men and women who limit their interaction to the opposite gender to just moral talk, enjoy alot of respect in their surrounding, especially the women! If not anything else, such behaviour is a sign of chastity, dignity and often piety!

I come down to another point made by someone, that many of us develop friendships with non-muslims, because they feel uncomfortable with the muslims, whatever that is! i dont remember the full statement.. Guys and Girls, this is so absurd! Do you trust the non muslims more than the muslims?

Of course, not every muslim you meet is pious, infact sometimes the non-muslims are better then some of us.. but the point remains, and that is, muslim or not, our interaction with the opposite gender has to be limited!

thats about it from me. PLease note that this is not directed to anyone, i just poured my mind in on the general discussion.

Wassalam.
"live the life of this world as if it were to never end, prepare for the hereafter as if this life were to end tomorrow" Imam Ali (as)

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