Funny insulting jokes

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manji2005
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Postby manji2005 » 16 Nov 2005, 20:55

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
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I'm in shape. Isn’t round a shape?
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Money talks, but all mine EVER says is GOODBYE!
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Postby manji2005 » 16 Nov 2005, 20:56

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
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Postby manji2005 » 16 Nov 2005, 20:58

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.
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I’m not fat. I’m just FLUFFY!
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I'd stop eating chocolate, but Im NO quiter!
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Postby manji2005 » 16 Nov 2005, 20:59

The guys are playing poker when Fred loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Richard looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell his wife?" So they draw straws and Bob picks the short straw.

“Be discreet”, the guys tell Bob and “Don't make this situation any worse than it is.”

Bob replies, "Gentlemen! Discreet??! I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name."

So Bob walks over to the Fred’s house, knocks on the door and the wife answers.

“What do you want Bob”, she asks? He says, "Your husband just lost $1,000 playing poker."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Bob says, "I'll tell him!"
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manji2005
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Postby manji2005 » 16 Nov 2005, 21:00

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Not sure because it never happens.
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A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
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manji2005
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Postby manji2005 » 16 Nov 2005, 21:02

A couple is waked at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The husband gets up and goes to the door where a stranger asks, “Can I get a push?”

"No way," says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him, she asks?”

"No I didn't, it's three in the morning!"

"Well you've got a bad memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember a few months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes", replies the man in the dark.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes please!" replies the man in the dark.

"Where are you" asks the husband?

"Over here on the swing" the man replies.
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Postby manji2005 » 16 Nov 2005, 21:04

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.

The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"

The guy says, "Well dang! You don’t have any ears man!"

So the boss yells, "Get out!"

The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?"

The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!"

So the boss yells, "Get out!"

As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it."

So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?"

The guy says, "You’re wearing contacts."

And the boss says, "Very good, how did you know?"

The guy replies, "Well you can't wear glasses cause you DON’T have ears."
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Muhammad Mahdi
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Postby Muhammad Mahdi » 18 Nov 2005, 14:27

good uns
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Postby Muhammad Mahdi » 18 Nov 2005, 14:41

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"
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Postby Muhammad Mahdi » 18 Nov 2005, 14:45

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
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manji2005
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Postby manji2005 » 18 Nov 2005, 19:59

Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?

So men can understand them!
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Man walks into the Doctors office.

"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid you’re going to die" Says the Doctor.

The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"

"Ten", replies the Doctor.

"What the heck does that mean", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks. What?"

The Doctor Replies "Nine.”
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Postby manji2005 » 18 Nov 2005, 20:02

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! ... The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire.

He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! ... The husband turned 90!
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Postby manji2005 » 18 Nov 2005, 20:06

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Two guys, Joe & Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, "Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Bill replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Joe.

Bill ponders for a minute, and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.

Theologically, it's evident the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Joe?"

Joe is silent for a moment, then says, "Bill, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent"!
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Postby manji2005 » 18 Nov 2005, 20:08

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A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!

The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"

The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."

The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"

The man replied, "I don't have one officer."

"Of course you do," said the policeman.

"No sir, I don't," said the man.

"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.

"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.

"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.

"Yes I'm afraid so sir,"

Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."

The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."

"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"

"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."

"Jesus!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"

"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don’t move, don’t even breathe."

So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"

He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.

"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.

"I’ll be right there," said the chief.

In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.

The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?"

"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"

"Yes," said the man.

"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.

The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.

"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."

"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."

"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."

"Yes," said the man,

"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.

"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"

"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."

"The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding to!"
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Postby manji2005 » 18 Nov 2005, 20:11

Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.

One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.

Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice, and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.

On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.

He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.

On his way he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.

He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly
gas.

Finally he got home and on the door his wife had hung a blind fold for him to wear, so he
wouldn't peek.

She sat him at the table, when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn't peek until she got back.

Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.

He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad; he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn't smell it.

He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked up his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.

After a couple of more farts his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.

When she took the blind fold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.
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