Marriage jokes

The best place to come in and give your face muscles some exercise...
User avatar
Muhammad Mahdi
Ask Addict
Ask Addict
Posts: 1883
Joined: 09 Apr 2005, 22:42

Postby Muhammad Mahdi » 22 Mar 2006, 18:27

Moserator wrote:Your post has been deleted Muhammad Mahdi


Thank you :lol:
Image
The educated man has the right to manipulate the ignorant, if the ignorance of the of the ignorant is due to his own ignorance.
User avatar
qarrar
Ask Pro
Ask Pro
Posts: 741
Joined: 31 Dec 2005, 18:18
Location: Birmingham, England.
Contact:

Problems from the start

Postby qarrar » 23 Mar 2006, 20:28

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
Last edited by qarrar on 23 Mar 2006, 20:32, edited 1 time in total.
How does he, whose guardian is Allah, get perished? And how can he, who is being pursued by Allah, get salvation? (Imam Mohammad Taqi (as))
User avatar
qarrar
Ask Pro
Ask Pro
Posts: 741
Joined: 31 Dec 2005, 18:18
Location: Birmingham, England.
Contact:

Wife was mad at me

Postby qarrar » 23 Mar 2006, 20:29

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn off the light!

How have times changed?

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!
How does he, whose guardian is Allah, get perished? And how can he, who is being pursued by Allah, get salvation? (Imam Mohammad Taqi (as))
xx_atika_xx
Ask Member
Ask Member
Posts: 92
Joined: 06 Jan 2005, 15:09
Location: Birmingham

Postby xx_atika_xx » 25 Mar 2006, 20:05

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"



A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
User avatar
Muhammad Mahdi
Ask Addict
Ask Addict
Posts: 1883
Joined: 09 Apr 2005, 22:42

Postby Muhammad Mahdi » 26 Mar 2006, 14:48

qarrar wrote:In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!


:lol: :lol:
Image
The educated man has the right to manipulate the ignorant, if the ignorance of the of the ignorant is due to his own ignorance.
User avatar
qarrar
Ask Pro
Ask Pro
Posts: 741
Joined: 31 Dec 2005, 18:18
Location: Birmingham, England.
Contact:

HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

Postby qarrar » 16 Dec 2006, 03:02

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
User avatar
qarrar
Ask Pro
Ask Pro
Posts: 741
Joined: 31 Dec 2005, 18:18
Location: Birmingham, England.
Contact:

A PMS GUIDE

Postby qarrar » 16 Dec 2006, 03:04

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: "What's for dinner?"
SAFER: "Can I help you with dinner?"
SAFEST: "Where would you like to go for dinner?"

DANGEROUS: "Are you wearing THAT?"
SAFER: "Gee, you look good in brown."
SAFEST: "Wow! Look at you!"

DANGEROUS: "What are you so worked up about?"
SAFER: "Could we be overreacting?"
SAFEST: "Here's fifty dollars."

DANGEROUS: "Should you be eating that?"
SAFER: "You know, there are a lot of apples left."
SAFEST: "Can I get you a glass of wine with that?"

DANGEROUS: "What did you DO all day?"
SAFER: "I hope you didn't overdo today."
SAFEST: "I've always loved you in that robe."
How does he, whose guardian is Allah, get perished? And how can he, who is being pursued by Allah, get salvation? (Imam Mohammad Taqi (as))
User avatar
qarrar
Ask Pro
Ask Pro
Posts: 741
Joined: 31 Dec 2005, 18:18
Location: Birmingham, England.
Contact:

NEWLYWED SECRETS

Postby qarrar » 16 Dec 2006, 03:08

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed.

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.

This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
User avatar
qarrar
Ask Pro
Ask Pro
Posts: 741
Joined: 31 Dec 2005, 18:18
Location: Birmingham, England.
Contact:

Postby qarrar » 09 Apr 2007, 16:53

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the bloody map again."
How does he, whose guardian is Allah, get perished? And how can he, who is being pursued by Allah, get salvation? (Imam Mohammad Taqi (as))
Mazhar
Ask Novice
Ask Novice
Posts: 133
Joined: 27 Nov 2004, 22:04
Location: DSM,Tanzania
Contact:

Postby Mazhar » 10 Apr 2007, 13:14

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want then, when you see what the other person

has, you wish you had ordered that.

------------------------------------------------


Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the

fight begins!
------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful
things as women and then he turns them into Wives
If u r married please ignore this message,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about

something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than

electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Girlfriends r like chocolates, taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much

that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is

going through hell.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the

other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same

offence!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Here comes the Ultimate One :)
________________________________________________________________________

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master

of Women'?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
keenfarhan
Ask Member
Ask Member
Posts: 99
Joined: 25 Jul 2006, 16:43
Location: Dar es Salaam, Tanzania
Contact:

Postby keenfarhan » 15 Apr 2007, 18:17

On one of the discussions marriage is promoted and here people r scared about marriage through these jokes lol.... make up ur minds ppl
User avatar
Dayyanah Karim
Ask Member
Ask Member
Posts: 36
Joined: 30 Aug 2009, 11:28
Location: Dar es Salaam

Marriage jokes

Postby Dayyanah Karim » 26 Dec 2009, 15:44

\Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Image

Samuel Goldwyn - "I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong." :D
Muhammad Mahdi - "Photography is a form of hunting where that which is shot, lives forever"

Return to “Laughter the Best Medicine”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests