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The decision to marry is one of great importance. How early should this decision be made? How early is too early? And everythign else about marriage

At what age should a man get married?

Before he reaches 20
6
11%
Between 20 and 25
38
70%
After 25
10
19%
By Dewji
#12146
Salam Alaykum

My post is mainly directed to Brother Mohamed Reza's comment about the list of divorces happening in our community.

We, as the Khoja Community, need to understand AND aknowledge that 'Age' is not always the ONLY reason for a marriage not lasting. Yes, its given, maturity has alot to do with how tolerant the pair are, but there are other factors which also widely effect a marriage.

From the points you have been making, it comes across as if, its either AGE or a Mis-communication between the Husband and the Wife which causes the drift. Yes, theres no doubt, both of your points ARE real reasons for Marriages ending in Break ups, but theyre not the ONLY possible ones.

Dont you also feel, HONESTY plays the MOST IMPORTANT role in a marriage? Anything begun with the wrong footing will obviously not end well. We need to stress on facts like, one does not have to pretend, and show themselves as a total different picture to their potential spouse. These are the roots of developing issues. Its the expectations the dishonest person builds in the others eyes.....and when the levels are not met when their relationship has been Fixated and called a 'Marriage', things begin to fall apart...and the marriage ends in a divorce.

There is NO right or Wrong answer to When the right time IS to get married. The truth is: one will never be ready enough to get married, its all about gearing your heart and mind. You need have your feet burried firm on the ground, recognise WHO you are and WHAT your purpose is, and WHAT it is that you want from this world.

Look at the Lady of the Heavens, Lady Fatema Zahra Salamullah, How old was she when she got married? was she touching her 'twenties' for her to believe she was ready? and how well did her marriage last? Wasnt it EVERYTHING to do with PIETY and HONESTY?! We always turn around and say, times are different, generations are different, and ofcourse people are different. Thats GIVEN! theres no doubt about that at all....this is the electronic era, and things happening now are meant to be drastically different to how they used to be during Lady Fatema Salamullah's Days....but does it also mean that we forget the lessons we've been taught? does it forget our sense of direction differs since we live in different Eras? Does it mean our Morals and Principles change??? NO WAYS! it all boils down to TWO things: PIETY and HONESTY! have both the qualities and see how far you go in this world.

Lifes underlying philosophy is: what seeds you plough, are what fruits you will cherish.

Likewise, what you put into a relationship, is what you'll get in return. We need to think straight, be extra careful and make sure to be thinking from our heads and not our hearts during the very sensitive decision making on wether or not to agree and take a step ahead.

No matter how old you may be, and no matter how 'correctly living' the communication between yourself and your spouse might be, you still need to invest 100% honesty, and watch, your faith and piety will walk you through life and its hurdles.
User avatar
By sadika
#12747
i agree with dewji

honest n piety can get a couple thru everything

i also think parents can become culprit in various ways
User avatar
By sadika
#12748
oh n by the way, someone needs to start a discussion on the divorce issue that dewji mentioned

i've heard a lot of 'talk' abt causes and even more 'talk' abt how the community n jamaat handle the divorce cases. not pleasant :x
User avatar
By abuali
#13010
It is interesting to note that majority of those who have voted here have voted for marriage between 20-25 yrs.

comparatively marriage age in the western world, among the muslim populations is decreasing!

Are we missing something that they have started to realise?

Dewji...excellent point you have made. So what would you say if i rephrase the question. At what age do you think can a modern-youth understand the importance of being honest in marital relationship and apply it in his/her life?
By mustafa
#13418
hasin wrote:I call it the six million dollar question. When is the right time to get married?
the right age would be once you are capable of standing on your two feet may arnd 20 --25 is not a bad age as per the poll
#13423
An article online gave me this:
According to Whelan, women who wait at least until age 25 often have better marriages than those women who marry at 20, although waiting until after age 25 doesn’t seem to add much to marital stability. Men who get married before they turn 25 are twice as likely to get divorced, Australian researchers recently reported.
Source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31857355/ns ... al_health/
Disclaimer: Anyone who decides to read the article should know that I merely picked these figures from there. I do not agree with everything the writer has written.
User avatar
By abuali
#13442
Interesting. It might be a good idea to look at what/who 'Whelan' is and how they conducted the research to come with such figures.

The reason of my skepticism is the saying of the Holy Prophet (as) whose exact words I cannot recall, but in essence advices parents to get their children married after puberty.

If anyone has this hadith with references please post.

Something in the Holy Quran along the same lines?
#13450
Well, actually, the hadith I know of states that girls should be married before puberty so that they first menstruate in their husbands home. But girls today are still just kids at that age. The Prophet (saww) was talking about what ideally should be the case. The research was done in a present-day society which is more like the un-ideal societies we live in.

Just a few thoughts: The Prophet (saww) and Imam Aly (as) both first married in their mid-twenties (which is at least 10 years past puberty.) If guys were to marry at this age, but marry pre-pubertal girls as recommended, I think we'd have problems. I doubt the 'woman' would be able to be a good partner at this age, but my main concern is that the number of young widows will increase vastly, because women generally live longer than men do. So even if the wife would be as old as the husband, chances are she'd outlive him by a few years. If she was 10-15 years younger, she'd outlive him by lots more. Also, the same people who advocate very early marriage for girls are against women working, so these widows would also be unable to support themselves, creating a model of dependence, which doesn't sound at all ideal.
#14903
Quite an interesting topic, seems didn't end well as people ran out of ideas and stopped posting!! :)
So is early marriage the best solution to the problems we youngsters face? Especially in Dar there are many marriages that break due to irresponsibility and maturity (the way I have heard), then what are the chances of getting married early to work out?? Especially with the the saas bahu rishta always being condemned??
User avatar
By abuali
#15058
Fatimah Zahra Karim wrote:Well, actually, the hadith I know of states that girls should be married before puberty so that they first menstruate in their husbands home.
Sorry for the late response. I have managed to source the hadith you mentioned above:

[ 25036 ] 1 ـ محمد بن يعقوب ، عن محمد بن يحيى ، عن أحمد بن محمد بن عيسى ، عن بعض أصحابه ، عن أبي عبدالله ( عليه السلام ) قال : من سعادة المرء أن لا تطمث ابنته في بيته .

1 – Muhammad b. Ya`qub from Muhammad b. Yahya from Ahmad b. Muhammad b. `Isa from one of our companions from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام. He said: From the felicity of the man is that his daughter not menstruate in his house.

Also observe the following hadith:

[ 25037 ] 2 ـ وعن بعض أصحابنا قال الكليني : سقط عني إسناده ، قال : ان الله عزّ وجلّ لم يترك شيئا مما يحتاج إليه الا وعلمه نبيه ( صلى الله عليه وآله ) ، فكان من تعليمه إيّاه أنّه صعد المنبر ذات يوم فحمد الله وأثنى عليه ، ثم قال : أيها الناس ، إنّ جبرئيل أتاني عن اللطيف الخبير فقال : إن الابكار بمنزلة الثمر على الشجر ، إذا ادرك ثمارها فلم تجتن أفسدته الشمس ، ونثرته الرياح ، وكذلك الابكار إذا ادركن ما يدرك النساء ، فليس لهن دواء إلا البعولة وإلا لم يؤمن عليهن الفساد لانهن بشر ، قال : فقام إليه رجل فقال : يا رسول الله ، فمن نزوج ؟ فقال : الأكفاء ، فقال : ومن الاكفاء ؟ فقال : المؤمنون بعضهم اكفاء بعض ، المؤمنون بعضهم اكفاء بعض .

2 – And from one of our companions, al-Kulayni said: Its isnad is dropped from me [from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام – in al-Kafi], he said: Verily Allah عزّ وجلّ did not leave anything which is needed but that He taught it to His Prophet صلى الله عليه وآله. So from His teaching to him was that one day he ascended the minbar, and praised and eulogized Allah. Then he said: O people, verily Jibra’il came to me from the Subtle, the All-Aware, and he said: Verily the virgins are of the status of the fruit upon the tree. When its fruits ripen and it is not harvested, the sun spoils it and the winds scatter it. And likewise are the virgins. When they mature (or, apprehend) what the women mature, then there is no cure for them but having a husband, and otherwise they not safe from corruption as they are human. He said: So a man went to him and said: O Messenger of Allah, so who do we marry? So he said: The equals (al-akfa’). So he said: [O Messenger of Allah – in al-Kafi] and who are the equals? So he said: The believers, each of them are the equals of the other. The believers, each of them are the equals of the other.


source: http://www.tashayyu.org/hadiths/marriag ... on-puberty


Fatimah Zahra Karim wrote:But girls today are still just kids at that age. The Prophet (saww) was talking about what ideally should be the case. The research was done in a present-day society which is more like the un-ideal societies we live in.
Historically societies are always un-ideal.

For example in an ideal society, there would be no alcohol, no backbiting, no adultery etc. In fact the society to which the Holy Prophet (pbuh) was sent was one of the most corrupted ones known. Does that mean that all islamic laws can be put on the back-seat saying that the Holy Prophet (pbuh) was only saying what ideally should be the case?

The Holy Prophet was actually warning and instructing Momineen on how the life of a momeen should be. Its upon us as individuals and a community to accept or discard his advices and commandments
Fatimah Zahra Karim wrote:Just a few thoughts: The Prophet (saww) and Imam Aly (as) both first married in their mid-twenties (which is at least 10 years past puberty.) If guys were to marry at this age, but marry pre-pubertal girls as recommended, I think we'd have problems. I doubt the 'woman' would be able to be a good partner at this age, but my main concern is that the number of young widows will increase vastly, because women generally live longer than men do. So even if the wife would be as old as the husband, chances are she'd outlive him by a few years. If she was 10-15 years younger, she'd outlive him by lots more. Also, the same people who advocate very early marriage for girls are against women working, so these widows would also be unable to support themselves, creating a model of dependence, which doesn't sound at all ideal.
I think we are being concerned for things that are out of our control.

If Allah (swt) instructs us to marry early, but we oppose the commandment using the statistics collected by man (a mere created servant of Allah) which concludes that by following Allah's command we will create social chaos, i feel we are fooling no one but ourselves.

Wouldnt it be better to trust the commandments of Allah and rely on him?
User avatar
By Zaheer
#15172
hasin wrote:I have been told there is a growing trend in western societies of early marriage. Is this true?
Yes i heard about that as well
User avatar
By Insaan
#15477
The Holy Prophet (SAW) said,
"The best people of my Umma are those who get married and have chosen their wives and the worst people of my nation are those who have kept away from marriage and are passing their lives as bachelors."
(Mustadrakul Wasail by Muhaddith Noori, Vol 2, Pg 531).

Imam Sadiq (AS) narrates that one day the Holy Prophet (SAW) went on the pulpit and said,
"O people, Jibraeel has brought unto me a divine command stating that girls are like fruits from a tree. If they are not plucked in time then they get rotten by the rays of the sun and a slight blow of the wind will result in their falling down from the tree. Similarly, when girls attain maturity, then like other women they develop emotions related to sex and there is no cure for it except her husband. If they are not married, prevention of character corruption becomes a remote possibility because after all they are human beings and no human is free from vice."(Furoo-e-Kafi, Vol 5, Pg 337).

In yet another tradition from Mustadrakul Wasail it is narrated that
"When a youngster marries early in his youth, Shaitaan cries out of desperation and says, Alas! This person has protected one third of his religion, now he will protect the remaining two thirds also."


To read more: http://www.sibtayn.com/en/index.php?opt ... &Itemid=69
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