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The decision to marry is one of great importance. How early should this decision be made? How early is too early? And everythign else about marriage

At what age should a man get married?

Before he reaches 20
6
11%
Between 20 and 25
38
70%
After 25
10
19%
User avatar
By Muntazir Manji
#2948
I have been thinking about a scenario. Say a man and a woman get married at the age of 20(man) and 17(woman). If we assume they are both matured and responsible, and that their respective parents have agreed tpo continue funding their education for a few more years until they have a first degree (the womans parents support her education, while the mans parents support his education). Would this work?
Well actually ive been conversing with many people about this scenario as well... islamically early marriages are encouraged, but in today's complex world it is quite difficult to achieve this without support from the parents.

If parents of both the male and the female volunteer to support the early married couple, both financially and morally so that they can complete their education and settle, alot of the problems that youths face today could be solved, because marriage would give them suqoon-e-qalb, a greater sense of responsibility and also a sense of loyalty to one partner at an early stage in life, just to mention a few in haste..All of this would help the youth mature in a more fruitful manner..

Just to make a point here... Looking at the life of Imam Khomeini, i think we need an islamic revolution in our khoja community also.. because alot of islamic priniciples are being suppressed under the indian culture and also the growing trend in imitating the western priniples.. all of which are actually creating more problems than solving the existing ones!

I am usually given many suspicious looks when i talk about these matters in gatherings, but if all of us were to look deep into ourselves, we'll realise the truth of the matter just mentioned above!..

Its not just marriage, Life after marriage should also be considered, in a greater detail so as to make the necessary changes and allow youths to live a life that is exemplary to the rest of the world.. this can only be achieved if we revive islamic principles in ourselves and our communities!
User avatar
By abuali
#7148
This topic has been long inactive.

I have just recently started reading a very interesting and informative book that relates very much with the topic at hand.

Its called: Youth and Spuse Selection by Ali Akbar Mazaheri

Its also available online at http://www.rafed.net/english/books/yout ... index.html

A very interesting chapter is Chapter two: When Must We Marry?

Please share your views and opinions
User avatar
By Muntazir
#7499
Bismillahir-Rahmaanir-Rahim

As Salaamu 'aleykum

Say, brother Hasin, do you think getting married any time soon, especially in this bad times, is a good idea? I mean, most of our youths are very discouraging, what do you think it should be done?


Was-Salaam
User avatar
By Tayyaba
#8116
Salaamz..

I think it is better to get married in these bad times coz there is soo much pressure from the media and frenz and u never knw when u shall take the wrong step or fall into sin ..!
And i think the concept of parents saying that u r still young should go away ..!
what do u guys think?
User avatar
By *SweetY*
#8121
I agree, as as far as i have read and know, one should ge married as soon as they themselves feel its time for them and there is no specific age to that and people saying your too young to get married or finish your education first is wrong because it may lead to one falling into sin..!
User avatar
By Tanveer
#8697
Wow...There sure has been ALOT of dilemma in this issue...

Let me give my own experience...I aint that young, ain't that old either...Between 20 and 25 and I am married. So perhaps I can put in some points of my own. This discussion is going on and postings are made by majority of the non-married youths and so they have alot of conflict in their minds about this topic. MAYBE (emphasis on the word) I can be of SOME help.

I got married at the age of 21 to a guy of 25....oops, that tells you already that I am a female. Never mind. My marriage was totally arranged, but at the same time, I communicated with my now-husband via e-mail and 'sometimes' via the phone. Again, you cannot say that such communication is not allowed because it is allowed if both the people involved are serious about the matter and are interested in the marriage if things work out.

I was away from home, therefore away from all my family members and my husband was in a totally different, western country...U.S.A.
Our families knew each other and all I knew about him was that he was once my brother's best friend...that was like 14 years ago....and thats all we knew abt each other...he knew i was his once-upon-a-time best friend's sister and i knew he was my brother's once upon a time best friend. We hadn't seen each other, never met, nothing. Total strangers. Our families however, knew each other. Our parents being from the same hometown and all...

My mother called me and told me about the proposal. I didn't feel I was ready, and besides being away from my parents and not having a face to face conversation, it was difficult to decide and so i did not show any interest. My husband on the other hand, although hadn't met me, and had only seen my pictures...read some of my articles from the youth magazine and heard about me, was quite strongly interested....but interested in communicating with me first...the situation was quite complicated and he wasnt sure i would agree with it and so he wanted to communicate, explain the scenario so that if I agree i am aware of what I am getting into and all that...

My mother insisted I give it a try...she explained that they were all happy with the proposal as they knew the family was v.good n religious too, they had also heard about my husband's good qualities, my cousin who has lived with my husband in the past for a whole year also praised him alot and my brother, who was his best friend once, also gave a green light. My mother assured me that I could always say no and we could always call it off if i wasn't happy or satisfied and so, with that in mind, (that i could always say no) i agreed for him to contact me.

It took 3 months for the whole thing to work out and although u may say that u can not know a person just by communicating over the phone and over the internet, the verse of the H.Qur'an comes in mind:

"And we have created mates for you, from among yourselves....."

One of the most amazing things about this relationship is that, when you are into looking for a spouse, and when you are communicating with various people to see if he/she is the right one for you, there will be a 'spark' between urself and the one who is meant for u...you will feel it within u, that this is the one...u guys will just hit it off...or rather, the 2 of u will 'click'

When I was told about this so-called 'click', I too used to wonder 'but how'??....Now that it did 'click', I understand how...so that's hw it is guys....

And one thing is for sure....you can never know a person unless u live with him/her...so even if u are into the girl/boyfriend business, which i advice u not to be in, u still wont know the person unless u live with that person and when u live with that person, he/she will turn out to be v.different...

Now, how boring would it be to live with a person whom u knw v.v.well?...it's exciting to live with somoene whom u knw as far as the qualities are concerned...education, religioun, family background and all....but the other things surface when u live together...that's when the verse continues:

And we have created love and mercy in your hearts so you may find peace...

Allah has promised about filling your hearts with love...so take a step in His name, make sure you are happy with the choice u have made if the person u have chosen possesses the qualities u have been looking for and leave the rest in the hands of the Almighty..

Make sure, u look for piety, education and good family background...One of our Aimmah has mentioned that if you look for beauty and wealth in a spouse, both will be taken away from you and if you go for piety and god-fearing, beauty and wealth will be bestowed...Always put the Almighty in any great decision u make and what better decision then the decision to 'marry' and safeguard half of your faith???
User avatar
By abuali
#8705
Mashallah isnt it amazing what guidance Allah has given us. I was just reading your post and I saw in the verses you had quoted proof of something I had thought for a long time...

Notice how the ayat arrangements show the order of things: -


And we have created mates for you, from among yourselves.....
= marriage
= marriage should come first
And we have created love and mercy in your hearts so you may find peace...
Love follows next, closely followed by Mercy!

Allah gives Love and Mercy a higher stage than Marriage! (marriage first level, Love at a higher level) Why are we sometimes adamant in breaking the order and going backwards?
User avatar
By Muhammad Mahdi
#8721
Very nice observation hasin. :)
Love the person you marry, dont marry the person you love. :wink:
User avatar
By Tanveer
#8749
Do not marry the person you can live with...Marry the person you cannot live without!! :D
User avatar
By *SweetY*
#8760
I was just reading a book called 'East or West Arranged Marriage is Best' by Dr. Liaket Dewji & Zishaan Dewji and they addressed the same question in their book. Here is the extract:

"When is the right age for a youth to get married?

Sexual desire is aroused in human beings at the age of puberty. Since sexual urges should be fulfilled only through marriage, it has allowed marriage as soon as the youth reaches the age of puberty. Some say that Islam has fixed the marriage age for girls at the age of 9 years and boys at the age of 15 years. This is incorrect. Islam has not given any such order. Islam is the religion of logic and never gives an order against the laws of natural logic.

Sexual maturity by itself is definitely not enough for a successful married life; maturity of mind is equally important. Our present way of life in the west has become so complicated that considerable gap has developed between sexual and mental maturity. The difference is evident in all areas of youthful development: sex, love, marriage, education and work. Physically, today’s youths are maturing earlier than previous generations, but emotionally they are taking much longer to develop adult qualities. Consequently, it is not right for youths of our atomic age to marry as soon as they become sexually mature.

The proper age of marrying is when the youth has reached sexual and mental maturity.”
User avatar
By abuali
#8764
Here is the problem...

When a youth reaches physical maturity (with sexual desires et al), but is not yet mentally mature...we have a huge problem in hand! Reason being, not getting him/her married is basically inviting sin (which will destroy his/her life)...and getting him/her married is inviting trouble.

So which one to opt for?

And, this issue should be addressed by parents and the community...we should endeavour to bring the mental maturity at par with the physical maturity.
User avatar
By Muntazir
#8777
Bismillahir Rahmaanir Rahim

As Salaamu 'aleykum

Islam wants every believer in God, men and women, to lead a respectable married life. The sex urge in man and woman is a natural force generated to keep the process of procreation of the species to continue to a destined time, and the urge if not kept properly controlled and duly sublimated, is liable to play havoc and cause irreparable damage to social health, harmony and happiness of the people and also to degenerate the individual causing spiritual degradation. Islam always preaches and commands the healthiest moderation in every walk of life and never encourages extremes in matter secular or spiritual. Certain religious schools might prescribe the practice of celibacy but they can never be justly proud of it for several reasons:

Firstly, it can never be adopted be every man and woman for it is the total suppression of a natural urge endowed for the continuation of life on earth to fulfill the mystic plan of the Great Author of the Universe.

Secondly, it is the native demand in every living being to see its own models in its seed and everyone can never annihilate such a powerful urge.

Thirdly, The abominable evils that have been committed by the so called celibates under the garb of total dedication to spiritual life and the irreparable damage done through shameful crimes committed within the fortress of the celibacy, i.e., the monasteries, have already become too well known to need any mention at all.

Fourthly, the undue and the unnatural suppression of the sex urge born in the nature of every man, is liable to cause harm to the physical health of the individual.

Fifthly, to suppress a native endowment, totally putting it out of use, is acting against the will of the All Divine Donor of the gift to be productive for His plan of continuing human life on earth. The act of suppression and making the invaluable endowment going in vain, is not commendable but condemnable.

Hence Islam never recognizes celibacy among its faithful adherents.

Islam, the natural religion, formulate by the very Author of nature, prescribes the natural and healthiest course of making the healthiest and the most profitable use of the sex urge which, if properly looked into, is the means of the fulfillment of the great mystic plan.

‘Ayama’ is the plural of ‘Aiyim’ meaning single. Here the word single refers both to unmarried ones, i.e., bachelors and virgins and also to those who after being lawfully divorced have again become single and those who are widowers and the widowed ones.

Note the criteria, for the choice should not be based on beauty or wealth or any other considerations but personal virtues and righteous life.

The Holy Prophet has already clearly laid out what must be the intention of one, in getting himself married. It must not be for the lust for beauty or wealth or the satisfaction of the carnal desires but to continue the generation of righteous being for the service of the Lord. The Holy Prophet said “Get yourselves into wedlock and meet, and multiply your number, and verily on the day of Judgment, I shall pride upon the children.” He again said that ‘Nikah’ or Wedlock is my course and whosoever turneth away from my course, he is not of me.”

The Holy Prophet says:

For those who avoid marriage fearing against their limited means are encouraged by God with a promise to provide them with the necessary means of sustenance.

Islam emphatically stresses upon the establishment and the maintenance or the responsibility of the duty of parenthood for the healthy and a righteous continuation of the human race, and is opposed to celibacy. The lusty practitioners of the evils of the modern civilization with the high roads open to them to the freedom of sexual contact under the guise of the so called advance social life, want to shun the responsibility and the commitment attached to the discipline and control of matrimony and evade wedlock with the false excuse of insufficiency of means to bear the burden of a family life. The Holy Qur’an refutes such an excuse with a promise that those who sincerely desire to enter into wedlock and they are worried only of their needy position, God will make them free from want through His grace. The Prophet (S.a.w.w) said ‘Whosoever abstains from a wedlock for fear of his limited means, has suspected the bonafide of God’s promise of His grace to make him free of need, for God has definitely promised in the Holy Qur’an to do it.’ The Holy Prophet also said: ‘The two Raka’ats or units of the prayer offered by a married man are better than the prayers offered the whole night with the day spent in fasting by an unmarried one.”

If due to excess of passion for sex enjoyment, there be any risk of anyone getting involved in fornication, then it becomes ‘Wajib’, i.e., compulsory for a man to marry.


(Please refer to the commentary by Ayatullah Agha H.M.M. Pooya Yazdi and S.V. Mir Ahmed Ali.)

(See also, Holy Qur’an, Sura Nur, Verse 30, 31, 32 and 33)

As Salaamu 'aleykum.
User avatar
By Muntazir
#8781
As soon as Adam saw Eve, he found her a very beautiful being, someone who looked like but not similar to him. She spoke to him, and he asked her, “Who are you?” “A creation created by Allah as you can see,” said she. Adam then addressed his Lord saying, “Lord! Who is this beautiful being whose presence and looking at whom had delighted me?” Allah said, “She is My bondmaid Eve. Would you like her to be in your company so she would entertain you and talk to you and obey you?” Adam said, “O yes, Lord! And I shall surely thank You for that and praise You as long as I live!” Allah said, “Then ask for her hand from Me, and she may also be good for satisfying your desire.” It was then that Allah cast into Adam the sexual desire. (Before then, all he had was knowledge.) Said Adam, “Lord! I do ask You to marry me to her, but what is Your pleasure in this regard?” Allah said, “I shall be pleased with you if you would teach her the injunctions of My creed.” Adam said, “You have the right to demand that of me, O Lord, and I shall do so if it pleases you.” The most Exalted and Sublime One then said, “Yes, it will please Me if you do so, and I have married you to one another, so join her to yourself.” It was then that Adam asked Eve to come near him. “Come,” said Adam, but Eve did not. “Rather, you should come to me.” Adam was puzzled and did not know exactly what to do. The Almighty interfered and ordered him to stand up and go to Eve. Had he not done so, women would have sought men for themselves in marriage.

(Imam Ja’fer al-Sadiq – al-Ayyashi, ‘Ilal al-Shara’I, Vol. 1, p. 29)


Bismillahir Rahmaanir Rahim

All Praise is due to Allah, the One and only God. His being Eternal is compounded by His being Divine. He is proud in His own right and in His Greatness. He creates whatever He wills and initiates the creation without having to have a model for any of what he Creates! Our Lord is the One Who has always been beyond time as such; through His knowledge has He split the seed; through His Might has He created all creation; through the light of the morning has He started the dawn; there is non that can alter what He has created, nor is there any that can change what He has made, nor is there any that can revoke His decree or repeal His command or be exempted from His call! There is no extinction to His domain, nor is there a term for His Divinity. He is the first to create, the One Who is eternal even beyond eternity itself, the One Who has obscured Himself from His creation in the horizon of ambition, in the lofty Exaltation, in the abundant domain, higher than anything that is high. Yet He is close to everything, so He manifests Himself to His creatures even without being seen, while He is the most Sublime! By His Light He veiled Himself and ascended the height, obscuring Himself from His creation. He sent them messengers so that He would have the clear argument against them, and so that His messengers would testify against His creation. He sent prophets to them to bring them glad tidings and to warn them, so that He would guide whomsoever He pleases with the same, hence the creation will know about their Lord that which they did not know, and they will know Him as their God after having rejected Him. They will believe in His Unity after having persisted in denying it.

As Salaamu 'aleykum


Allah (s.w.a) says in the Holy Qur’an:

“And when the Souls are United.” (81:7)

“And (that) He created pairs, the male and the female.” (53:45)

“And of everything We have created pairs in order that you may be mindful.” (51:49)

“He it is Who created you from a single being, and of the same (kind) did He make his mate.” (7:189)

“Keeps your wife to yourself and be careful of (your duty to) Allah.” (33:37)

“And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them.” (30:21)



The Holy Prophet (S.a.w.w.) has said, “O you young men! I recommend marriage to you.” (Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p. 25)

Ask yourself, do you think you’re mature enough to get married? Do you think you can handle the best relationship given to Men? Are you going through a rough time? Have you chosen a spouse best suited for you? Do you guarantee your future together? Are your parents happy with your decisions? Are they ready to finance you if you’re not capable to finance yourselves? Do you think everything that you think should be discussed, solved and be organized while planning for marriage is set aright? Then according to what Islam says, “It is time! Do not wait any further, or you will hurt yourself even further.”

The Prophet (S.a.w.w.) has said, “No house has been built in Islam more beloved in the sight of Allah than through marriage.” (Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p. 3)

The Holy Qur’an says, “And marry those among you who are single and those who are fit among your male slaves and your females slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from want of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, knowing."

(Sura Nur 24:32)

The reason to why Islam recommends marriage is due to various reasons. One of the most important reasons is to keep our Sexual Desires into control! Various studies prove that married men remain healthier, physically and mentally. This is because they don’t get over-stimulated and get into depression when our body commands for the sexual contact. Their sexual desires are satisfied and therefore the stress and pain is drowned away. But the singles, suffer the long dark night.

Islam, has always maintained that marriage is beneficial for us in many ways, and also regards marriage as a way to acquire spiritual perfection.

It will be very difficult for a bachelor to maintain his spiritual perfection, but for a married person, it will be a matter of his own effort.

This is where the following Hadith falls clearly:

The Holy Prophet (S.a.w.w) had said, “One who marries, has already guarded half of his religion, therefore he should fear Allah for the other half.”

(Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p. 10)

(The book “Islamic Marriage” contributes to the above Hadith and says, “How True! A person who fulfills his Sexual urges lawfully would rarely be distracted in spiritual pursuits. P. 10, D)

Having a problem in choosing a spouse? Take our beloved Prophet’s advice when he once said “It is binding upon you to have a religious spouse.”

(Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p. 30)

Another Hadith that I just came through in which Imam Ja’fer al-Sadiq (a.s) narrates from the Holy Prophet (S.a.w.w.) that he says “A Muslim has lost everything comparing to his fellow Muslim who has a Muslim spouse (wife); who pleases his eyes when he looks at her, who listens to him and follows to what he says, who takes care of him, his relationship when he’s away for work, his wealth and belongings and herself from others." This is the kind of spouse one should intend to look for.

Similar to the above one is the following:

“Imam Al Baqir (a.s) relates how the messenger said that Allah said, "If I wished to give a Muslim all the good in this world and the next, I would make his heart humble, his tongue full of remembrance, his body patient in times of trial, and I would give him a believing wife, who fills him with delight when he looks at her, and protects herself and his wealth when he is away.” (al- Shirazi, p. 187)

However, our youths these days have a complete different picture to how the “Girl of Dreams” should be like. She should be modern! She should be very beautiful (Extreme Hot)! She should be Rich with a $300 suit and a $1000 Rolex watch! She should be impressed with your “Sports” so-called car. And she should be attracted with your weird hairstyles and funny walk-styles.

Talking of girls… I’ll need some help please!

But now look at the following Hadith:

The messenger of Allah has said “A man who marries a woman for the sake of her wealth, Allah leaves him in his own condition, and one who marries her only for her beauty, will find in her things which he dislikes (unpleasing manners) and Allah will gather up all these things for one who marries her for the sake of her faith.”

(Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p. 31)

There are a lot of Hadiths that explain about the qualities to be found in choosing a spouse. I have pointed out a few below:

For boys:

Look for a Muslim girl.

A girl with Good Akhlaq.

A girl with a good family.

A girl with a good background.

A girl with good knowledge.

A girl who can take care of responsibilities.

A girl who could bring up a good family within.

A girl who could be a great mother to your children.

A girl who has patience.

A girl who can be trustworthy, full of hopes, honest, and loving. And

A girl who listens.

My teachers have also mentioned the following:

A girl with a Wealthy complexion.

A girl with a broad forehead.

A girl with Large Lips.

A girl whose mother is decent and religious with a good akhlaq.

A girl with a happy family.

A girl who is used to with family gatherings.

A girl who can keep family relations.

A girl who is beautiful.

A girl with big eyes.

A girl with Black eyes.

A girl with Long hair.

A girl with large breasts.

A girl who keeps herself clean.

And many more.

For Girls:

Guys who are Muslims. (It is not allowed for a Muslim girl to get married to a non-muslim boy. The marriage will not be valid according to the Islamic Shariah. And all the sexual intercourse will be so-called ‘Zinah’)

Guys who are smart and intelligent.

Guys who are responsible and capable of taking care of the family.

Guys who are healthy and fit.

Guys who have a good family background.

The guy’s parents should be decent and akhlaqy.

Guys with less temper.

Guys with respect and decency.

Guys with good manners.

Trustworthy and honest guys.

And a lot more.

Another important matter is, do not marry amongst yourselves (within the family) as there is a psychological/ mental effect to the child born. It is a proved research and it could be found on the internet.


Women are very sensitive. Women are calm and peaceful like the dark night. Therefore, they are supposed to be taken away from their homes when the night prevails. It is therefore Makrooh to get married in the day time.

One Hadith that I just came through is, Imam Baqir (a.s) when once heard that a couple got married in the day time when the hot sun was shining on the face of the earth. He said “I don’t think the relationship will grow even a bit stronger. They will clash and despair and return to their own houses." And Imam’s words turned out to be very true.

Another Hadith from Imam Kazim (a.s) that says “It is sunnat to get married at night time because Allah (s.w.a) has made the night to rest in peaceful (to enjoy) and women are joyful (where one can find peaceful with(in))."

(“And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them.” (30:21))

This Hadith clearly tells us that it is recommended to get married in the night time, and, a lot more if we read again.

(These Hadiths can be found in ‘Usul- Ul- Kahf’. Hadith No. 9557, 9558, 9559 of 9560.)

(It can as well be found on Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p.62)

Guys are strictly commanded to treat their wives with a good manner. Getting married doesn’t mean that you’ve owned a washing machine, a cook or a slave-girl. If you’re getting married with such purposes, then it’s better you don’t get married at all. Girls are supposed to be treated kindly and with a lot of love. If you start treating them unjustly, then my dear friend, you haven’t seen their unjust when they get sick of your ill-behavior.

I remember my teacher once telling me, “It is better to mess with a lion than to mess with a Woman!" Watch out brothers! Women are very kind and loving, but if they start hating you, you will cry tears of crocodile! (Just a small saying from the school days)

The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.w) says, “He should overlook her minor faults and if she commits a major mistake then he should forgive her.”

Imam Sadiq (a.s) says “He should fulfill all her basic necessities and must not terrorize her by getting angry time and again. i.e. after fulfilling her needs, is kind and affectionate towards her, then I swear by Allah, he has fulfilled his wife’s rights.”

(Al Kafi)

The following Hadith is the best one. Read carefully:

The Messenger went on the Minbar and said, ‘O people, Gibrael came to me from Subtle (al- Latif), the Aware (al- Khabir), and said, “Virgins are like the fruits of the tree: if they ripen and are not picked, they will rot in the sun and be dispersed in the winds. If virgins reach the maturity of women, then they should marry; if they do not, then they will not be secure from degradation, for they are human.”

(al- Shirazi, p. 187 – 190)

Imam Reza (a.s) said, “Three things are from the traditions of the Messenger of God: using perfume (Highly Mustahab, especially during prayers), removing the (excessive) hair and visiting one’s wife.” (Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p. 4)

And lastly

The Holy Prophet has said, “When a man approaches his wife, he is guarded by two angels and (at that moment in Allah’s views) he is like a warrior fighting for the cause of Allah. When he has intercourse with her, his sins fall like the leaves of the tree (in fall seasons). When he performs the major ablution, he is cleansed from sins.”

(Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p. 74)

Here are some useful books:

Islamic Marriage by World Islamic Network

Contemporary Legal Rulings in Shi’i Law

Tahdhibul Ul Islam by P.E.T Publications

Marriage & Morals in Islam by Sayyed Muhammad Rizvi

The Concept of God in Islam by Yasin T. al-Jibouri

The Life of Fatima Az- Zahra by Allama Baqir Sharif Al- Qarashi


Thank you.

I'm sorry for not organizing it properly. Please let me know if there are any mistakes. And pray for me as I'm having my final exams tomorrow Insha'Allah.
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