Dating In Islam

The decision to marry is one of great importance. How early should this decision be made? How early is too early? And everythign else about marriage
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abuali
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Postby abuali » 11 Apr 2007, 09:53

There are many reasons for divorce, however I very much doubt that early marriage is anywhere close to the top 10 reasons (but i stand to be corrected)

Here is my line of thought: anything prescribed by Allah can have nothing but goodness. Early marriage is prescribed by Allah.

As long as a person is unmarried, however strong his/her faith, he/she is always in a danger of slipping into oblivion. Marriage cures that problem.

The real problem is our outlook towards marriage. We need to understand that children in this age mature faster physically as well as in thought due to media exposure. We need to take an action to meet these early needs.

Mental development and maturiy is a result of environmental factors acting together. This can be modified.
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Postby qarrar » 14 Apr 2007, 02:26

hasin wrote:There are many reasons for divorce, however I very much doubt that early marriage is anywhere close to the top 10 reasons.

So you have a compiled and credible top ten list of reasons for divorce in the community :?:

I draw my inference towards marriage break-ups from the numbers of young people many in their mid twenties who have undergone divorce. A bearing factor for these inter alia (among other things) as I see is a lack of preparation for entering into a cohabiting relationship. In the not so distance past and perhaps even to a certain degree today many purported successes in marriage exist through extinguishing the divorce option. This again may have many reasons for it, for example stereotypical views of society on it and parental pressure to stay in the marriage to mention a few.

I agree that teenagers nowadays mature faster than ever before but this is maturity on the physical side mostly. Mental maturity according to some comes later nowadays than before. Reasons cited for this view again amongst many are that in the past children had to mentally mature faster because of the pressures at home i.e. household responsibility was passed over at a younger age before than it is now.

This view is forwarded by Ali Akbar Mazaheri in his book Youth & Spouse Selection. If I remember correctly he even goes on further to give definite ages by which young persons should get married. I wouldn’t go that far because I see marriage as a very personal and intimate decision which cannot be made through ‘arranged’ means. But due to the social circumstances that we live in the Khoja Community it is inevitable that lawful spouses 8 out of 10 times will come through this method.
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Postby abuali » 14 Apr 2007, 08:55

I am going to respond to your question:

So you have a compiled and credible top ten list of reasons for divorce in the community Question

with your own logic

Do you have credible statistics within our community to prove beyond any doubt that 'young marriage' alone is one of the top reasons for divorce?

Please read my question carefully. I am not saying that young people dont get divorced. Or that older couples will NEVER get divorced. None of the above is true. But saying that younger people get divorced because they got married young is a little myopic and naiive.

Once again, in response to your inference I put forward the recommendation by the Holy Prophet (SAWW) who spoke nothing but what Allah (SWT) commanded. And Allah(SWT) laws and recommendations were for all times. Early Marriage was very very much recommended by the Prophet and hence by Allah (SWT).

Going to the basics, Marriage is a blessing granted to us by Allah (SWT). Allah(SWT) in his infinite wisdom and mercy grants to us ways and methods to come closer to him. Marriage is one such way to help people stay away from sexual sins.

Now the argument that 'early marriage was ok at that time when responsibility was passed on at an earlier age and its different now' breaks down completely in the face of the fact that in the earlier days there was not much deviation (media, movies, magazines, novels, friends) to catalyse the process leading to a risk of sexual deviation. Now, the story is different. Very young CHILDREN are exposed. And therefore develop the needs earlier. And hence, Early Marriage is most important in this era compared to any before.

Unless we can change the process of physical maturity and the exposure to media that catalyses this process, i think the onyl solution we as a community have is to catalyse the mental maturiy and get ourselves married at early ages.
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Postby qarrar » 15 Apr 2007, 16:53

hasin wrote:Do you have credible statistics within our community to prove beyond any doubt that 'young marriage' alone is one of the top reasons for divorce?

Well in response to your question it is very difficult to get such statistics in our community because none are kept. But in defence of my argument the reason I am swayed that younger couple get divorced more often in our community is because of what I have seen myself and heard from other people. Seldom have I heard that a middle aged couple have divorced because this rarely happens in our community. Perhaps you happen to know more of these instances that I do.

I agree with you on the religious part of your reasoning but what exact ages are to be seen as young marriages, is a moot point. Imam Ali (as) and Bibi Fatema (as) were 14 and 9 years of age respectively according to some historians. This is if practiced in modern society will be a crime and even learned religious scholars don’t recommend the same. Taking guidance from your earlier post you put forward 16 as an age reasonable for a girl to get married. Well from my reasoning very late teens and early twenties may be seen to be an early yet reasonable age to marry. So perhaps an amicable way to settle this would be to agree to differ on this point.
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Postby abuali » 15 Apr 2007, 21:37

even learned religious scholars don’t recommend the same


can you give any such reference?

Maybe we are discussing two seperate issues. You seem to be deliberating on the exact age of marriage while I am trying to put forward a theory that early marriage is a solution to most problems within our society (and the world in general).

According to the holy book and the Holy Prophet, a lady of 9yrs and a man of 15yrs are ready for marriage. This is no doubt beneficial to humanity. However, because of our own imperfectness and attitude, it is becoming very difficult to follow...resulting in loss of all the benefits.

I dont know about others, but i know more people who got married late and got seperated, as compared to younger couples. And I know many young couples who are alhamdulilah well settled...apart from having half their faith secure.

Which point are you proposing to agree to differ on?

Not only that, but I also know more couples who are older or got married late who are unhappy with their married life as compared to younger couples.
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Postby qarrar » 16 Apr 2007, 15:46

hasin wrote:can you give any such reference?


My apologies but I cannot provide a written reference though the reason why I posted such was because I had seen a documentary were a Muslim teacher from Britain went to Iran and spoke to one of the liberal scholars there, whether he was at the level of ijtehad I do not know. The question put to him was that girls can get married even before puberty but consummation of the marriage is not allowed until she attains puberty. Now many Islamic quarters have a rigid age of 9 as the age when girls attain puberty but he was quite ready to accept that girls do attain puberty later than that and it is that age that we should bear in mind.

It is this point that I was referring to in terms of divergence in our views.

hasin wrote:... more people who got married late and got seperated, as compared to younger couples. And I know many young couples who are alhamdulilah well settled...apart from having half their faith secure.

I am not saying couples who get married in there late twenties and beyond don’t have their share of problems but what I do not agree with is getting boys and girls married at 18 and 16 respectively. Once legal majority has been reached I say there should be at least a couple years before a person can consider getting married though there should also be room for flexibility in this because we all are not equal in our understanding and maturity.
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Postby abuali » 17 Apr 2007, 10:00

I am not saying couples who get married in there late twenties and beyond don’t have their share of problems but what I do not agree with is getting boys and girls married at 18 and 16 respectively. Once legal majority has been reached I say there should be at least a couple years before a person can consider getting married


I feel it is the society's attitiude towards baligh men and women thats adding to the reasons that delay marriage. Why should we call baligh men and women, boys and girls? I feel that they should be given some forms of responsibility once they are baligh so that they can start developing their mental self in line with the physical changes.

And why is 'legal age' by the state more important then 'legal age' by the lord? Once again I am not saying this in direct reference to your post, but in general to society, which includes me.
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Postby qarrar » 18 Apr 2007, 02:18

hasin wrote: I feel that they should be given some forms of responsibility once they are baligh so that they can start developing their mental self in line with the physical changes. And why is 'legal age' by the state more important then 'legal age' by the lord?

A possible reason why society treats boys and girls or teenagers should I say differently from proper adults is because of the mental instability and lack of maturity that comes with their age. Religion rightly imposes all its obligations on such individuals on attaining bulugh and it is these bare mere minimums that they fail to meet and you are purporting to say we should add the added weight of marriage as-well? I see this as a very damming point.

I suppose the state’s imposition of a legal age which is 21 in some countries is a compromise between puberty which is seen as physical maturity and mental maturity which predominantly comes with the day to day experiences of life. At 16 when most individuals have attained their puberty they have finished compulsory education and it is at this point that they truly make their life’s first major decision i.e. to stay onto education or step into the workplace. So if you look at it from this point of view 18 is still a young age to transfer full legal responsibility onto a person.
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Re: Dating In Islam

Postby justme » 25 Feb 2011, 18:11

This is a very interesting discussion. Thanks everyone for the amazing information I have gained.

Its only fair if i participate since I have gained so much from this discussion
qarrar wrote:Well in response to your question it is very difficult to get such statistics in our community because none are kept. But in defence of my argument the reason I am swayed that younger couple get divorced more often in our community is because of what I have seen myself and heard from other people. Seldom have I heard that a middle aged couple have divorced because this rarely happens in our community. Perhaps you happen to know more of these instances that I do.


If we had the option of encouraging younger couples (who are sexually mature) to get married and risk them getting divorced

or

letting them remain single and most likely enter a 'dating' relationship and most likely break up and move on to another relationship.

Which one would be a better option?

Also, the middle aged couples that you don't see getting divorced probably got married in their teens in those days. So is that not proof that early marriage works?

The break-up of early marriages (if they happen) these days may be a result of other factors.

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