Dating In Islam

The decision to marry is one of great importance. How early should this decision be made? How early is too early? And everythign else about marriage
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Dating In Islam

Postby qarrar » 14 Mar 2007, 21:58

By Aadila Moloo

The most common question among our youth today is, Are Muslims allowed to date?

“Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world today does not exist among Muslims - where a young man and a woman (or boy/girl) are in a one-on-one intimate relationship, spending time together alone, "getting to know each other" in a very deep way before deciding whether that's the person they will marry. Rather, in Islam pre-marital relationships of any kind between members of the opposite sex is forbidden.

A man and a woman are not allowed to be alone together, and any kind of physical contact before marriage is forbidden. Hence, Dating is not permitted in Islam.

But the big question is, why cant Muslims Date?

Islam being the perfect religion it is always gives laws which are in accordance with the “fitrat” or nature of Human beings. All the laws of Islam have a way a protecting the rites of both men and women.

Let us examine the problems the people who date face. Most couples who date, expect that their relationship will end in marriage, but there is no way of knowing whether a certain person is just having fun and playing with the other person, who might be very serious. We have heard of many cases where women gets pregnant before marriage and are left by their boyfriends to be single parents or also men/women who get into depression, start doing drugs or commit suicide because their boyfriend/girlfriend left them.

Islam on the other hand only allows men and women to “date” per se, if the intention of both parties is marriage and that also in controlled situations, where they both must lower their gaze and guard their modesty. The Prophet (SAW) also reportedly said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan (Shaytan) is the third among them". When young people are getting to know each other for marriage purposes, being alone together is a temptation toward wrongdoing. They both must therefore be very careful and guard their modesty.

Islam recognizes that we are human and are given to human weakness, so these rules provide safeguards for our own sake. Muslim youths must therefore have a marriage oriented culture

Islam does not restrict our life rather it helps us to regulate our life as Sheikh Jehad said.

May Allah (SWT) give us all the “tawfiq” to be modest and pious. Amen
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Postby Zaheer » 29 Mar 2007, 18:15

any body wants to start the lost topics all over again lol :roll: the arguements and all...!!
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Postby keenfarhan » 29 Mar 2007, 20:04

oh no... not all over again!
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Speed dating or is it?

Postby qarrar » 30 Mar 2007, 00:29

DAR ES SALAAM, TANZANIA - I am a 23 year old female, too old for a good marriage match, and on the verge of spinsterhood. In any other culture, I would be seen as young; the fact that I am working would make me a young and successful professional - but in my religious community, the Dawoodi Bohra Muslims, all I am is old, too independent, and a liability.

I went to Bagamoyo last weekend, a small beach town on the East African coast, 2 hours drive from Dar Es Salaam for a get together organised by our community for youngsters. Girls from 18 up and boys from 21 up who were interested in marriage and looking for a husband/wife were encouraged to attend.

Not many Islamic rules encourage the intermingling of sexes in a social setting, but our religious leader, Syedna Mohammed Burhanuddin, is anxious that his followers marry at a young age and settle down.

The reason? Firstly, a marriage, in Islam, is the fulfilment of deen. It offers protection to a female who is vulnerable and provides her with a haven from the temptations and dangers of modern living. It also provides a safe harbour in which both can fulfil their sexual desires and needs without crossing moralistic lines. And it is the first step towards procreation, an immensely spiritual act.

And the reason for marrying young is to prevent straying out of community boundaries when looking for a life partner, a step that might forever anchor you outside of your religious faith and practices.

The resident Amil Saheb from Dar Es Salaam gave a talk at the start of the evening, drawing on advice given by Rasulallah, the Prophet Mohammed. He listed the qualities that were important to keep in mind when looking for a husband/ wife.

He even tackled standard responses used when postponing marriage in an effort to encourage those present to begin the weekend in the right frame of mind.

"Some of you say that you want to finish your education, or start up a business, or even wait for your business to pick up and become profitable before you choose to marry and settle down," he said. "But how do you know that it is not the barakat involved in marrying and settling down that will bless your home and your business dealings?"

He talked of the sawaab of marriage, so strong that many thousands of sins would be forgiven in holding the hand of one's wife, in kissing her, and in being physically and sexually close to her.

But then the Amil Saheb went on to talk about the physical characteristics in females that Rasulallah allegedly placed a lot of importance on.

"Cat's eyes" in a light colour such as blue or green, small feet, long hair, fairness ... Difficult in a crowd of ethnic Indians, but then it accounted for the number of girls wearing contact lenses in greys, and browns, and greens.

So agenda number 1 is finding a husband - and fast. Agenda number 2 is making myself into a light eyed, fair skinned, innocent, eighteen year old with small feet.

And the whole setup was strange. Not as strange as what I had heard about: having to announce one's name, age and qualifications to a sea of strange faces.

Instead we all wore badges with our names and towns of origin. We were organized into groups to play simple games on the beach, such as "Heart-Heartless", "Donkey in the Middle" and Handball - all designed to break the ice between the guys and girls and allow us to look around freely.

After that, it was a free-for-all in the sense that you could approach anyone you wanted and start talking, making your interest evident. And if you were too shy then an adult could facilitate an introduction between you.

Obviously looks and behaviour played a large role that morning.

Boy-girl groups formed all over the courtyard before lunch with adults hovering nearby, waiting for the imminent announcement of a nikaa. We were all under scrutiny, either from the opposite sex, or from the girls sizing you up or from the adults with a hopeful glint in their eyes.

And then in the evening the adults approached and asked what sort of progress had been made, whether there was any good news and what the chances were of a match developing between you and any of the boys you had spoken to in the day.

I learnt an important lesson that weekend: regardless of what culture and community one is from, the youth are the same everywhere with the same agenda - and in most cases those present that weekend were not looking for a serious commitment.

I also realized that I would never find my "life partner" in any such gathering because what I looked for was not available at first glance nor could it be discerned in a day of casual flirtation and conversation.

That worried me. If I couldn't find my match at such a gathering then how was I to find him at all?

Before I went to Bagamoyo last week, my mind was filled with thoughts of work and the rat race that I live in Nairobi.
A mere three days later, I was a different person caught up in a different kind of rat race. I was wide-awake, despondent, wondering about the meaning of life, the chances of finding a "life partner", worrying I was on the verge of spinsterhood.

I have been back in Nairobi for two days now and am looking for assurance in everything I see and hear, assurance that I am not too old and that there is still life for me out there before my biological clock shuts down, and my face becomes one huge wrinkle. I am suddenly worried about using any make-up just in case it makes me look too mature and confident, traits that "old" people have.

Finding a husband used to be the inevitable next step in life for me, a step like all others which comes when one is ready to cross it. Education progresses from primary to high school and then to university and my development as a person would go from childhood to puberty to a profession/career and then marriage - with the last two being interchangeable. Then children, and eventually old age.

I know that marriage is my next step and I was just waiting for a door to open.

I rushed through my childhood in my eagerness to be an adult and I regret it. I don't want to make the same mistake again, and yet I find myself rushing through my youth to become a married woman. And all of a sudden it is no longer a natural progression, but a deadly serious race.

And it all has to be done while I still look young, fresh and innocent.

The clock is ticking.

I have two months till I turn 24.

Words/ phrases:
1. Syedna Mohammed Burhanuddin - Also known as Dai, Mola or simply Syedna: Religious leader of the Dawoodi Bohra Community.
2. deen/ din - religion
3. Amil Saheb - local head priest or Dai's representative
4. Rasulallah - Mohammed, Prophet of Allah
5. nikaa/ nikah - marriage
6. barakat/ barakaat - blessing
7. sawaab/ thawaab - rewards of good deeds
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Postby qarrar » 30 Mar 2007, 00:33

Responses to article:

The article attached was very informative in many ways and I have just jotted down a few of my thoughts after reading it...was wondering what others thought about the whole topic..

• I had heard about the bohoras organizing events like these but wasn't sure about whether this was true...it seems like it definitely is true.
• There is a concern even outside the khoja Shia community about members marrying outside, so this is an imminent problem facing many of the Muslim communities & not just ours
• Is such a strategy as is taken by the Bohras in organizing such events an answer to this problem? From the views of the author of this article it seems like a one-off meeting where evident flirting was going on was not the ideal place or atmosphere to choose a spouse.
• In some jamaats there are proposals to hold events/trips with the purpose of introducing boys and girls of age. Would such trips/events be a viable method of introduction?? The author outlines that many of the people present in this particular event were not serious in looking for a long term relationship..
• Many people outside of our community(especially in the western world) appreciate the manner in which we have a "formalised method" of elders and parents taking a lead role in facilitating meeting and spouse selection. There seems to be some disagreement among the youths currently as to whether this is the best method for this...Considering the views of the author on the arrangement in the Bohra community, any views on the success of our system??

Salams & Duas..

Mazahir Alidina

--------------

The article is certainly informative and the real world issue. And I indeed see
what she is saying, however, it is unfortunate that it is also prevalent in our
community ( that a youth is told to be old after certain age). Alhamdulilah, its
nice that you have brought this up.

Its sad that a young girl of age 23 feels old while she has her whole life to
live ahead of her. From little experience that i have, i see around me (in
canada) women of age 20- 30 are considered young women full of life, who have a
world to live for ( dreams, achievements ....family...adventure.. and you name
it). this attitude should be in our community too, however, it should be embeded
with the values fromt he Ahlul bayt. And i believe this problem can gradually be
removed from our blessed community by dealing with it in two stages.

A-In terms of the community as a whole

1) our community should start brodening their minds and realize - marriage is
not the only thing that has to be achieved in life .
2) special gatherings intending particularly for meeting is awkward and not
productive.

B- In terms actions

1) Have co-ed educational events such as ( debates, volunteering to hospitals,
charity events ...... ).
2) Sports- have either family or youth sports facility where the youths should
be allowed to go with or without their families.
3) Encourage and facilitate extracuricular activities such as horse riding,
archery, mountain climbing or simply biking .

All these will lead the youth to see the real values in the fellow youth -
faith, respect,honesty, hardworking, wisdom, knowledge...... and at the same
time be around the community youths.

salaam,
sukaina
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Postby abuali » 06 Apr 2007, 23:08

"Cat's eyes" in a light colour such as blue or green, small feet,


Havent heard of these

Its sad that a young girl of age 23 feels old while she has her whole life to
live ahead of her.


Looking at it from another angle, if she had married when she was 16, she would have had companionship for 7 yrs till now...which she has lost out on.
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Postby Zaheer » 07 Apr 2007, 13:04

^^^^^^^^^

Correct
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Postby qarrar » 07 Apr 2007, 14:20

hasin wrote:
Its sad that a young girl of age 23 feels old while she has her whole life to live ahead of her.

Looking at it from another angle, if she had married when she was 16, she would have had companionship for 7 yrs till now...which she has lost out on.


But is it really feasible to get girls married at 16 :?: Plus it is quite blatant that though marriage provides companionship it also brings with it a whole host of challenges and difficulties, would one be able to cope with these at a young age :?: (NOTE: I am in no way arguing that marriage is a bad thing)
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Postby keenfarhan » 07 Apr 2007, 23:47

The marriage argument still continues... hasin havent u already had enough of that lol
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Postby Zaheer » 09 Apr 2007, 11:28

hasin what does the statement of farhan mean to you?

The marriage argument still continues... hasin havent u already had enough of that lol
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Postby keenfarhan » 09 Apr 2007, 13:26

Zaheer stop being so curious! Curiosity killed the cat remember?
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Postby Zaheer » 09 Apr 2007, 14:13

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
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Postby Muhammad Mahdi » 09 Apr 2007, 17:12

y not let a healthy debate take place?
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Postby abuali » 11 Apr 2007, 00:13

But is it really feasible to get girls married at 16 Question Plus it is quite blatant that though marriage provides companionship it also brings with it a whole host of challenges and difficulties, would one be able to cope with these at a young age Question


At this time and age, i not only think its feasible, but even more important for people to get married earlier. Never has getting astray become easier than now...which demands that some sort of action be taken by society to prevent detoriation of morals...

We can already see what happens when marriage is no longer respected...not only in western, un-islamic societies but sadly in muslim societies as well.
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Postby qarrar » 11 Apr 2007, 01:23

hasin wrote:At this time and age, i not only think its feasible, but even more important for people to get married earlier.

I myself am concerned with the degradation of society in general especially in terms of morals and ethics. The contemporary way forward as I see it is in better religious education and a strong moral foundation. Early marriage is not all good news and there is a need to achieve mental maturity before entering a cohabiting relationship. If mental maturity is achieved coupled with a strong moral foundation this will prove the basis for a longer lasting relationship rather than the short ones that are rampant in today’s times. And all these couples who decide to split up are they all not very young persons, aiding my view that a different approach is required in these matters rather than an early marriage cure.
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