After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

The decision to marry is one of great importance. How early should this decision be made? How early is too early? And everythign else about marriage

After marriage would you prefer...

to live with the parents (I am a guy)
3
50%
to live separately (I am a guy)
0
No votes
to live with the parents (I am a girl)
1
17%
to live separately (I am a girl)
2
33%
 
Total votes: 6
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abuali
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After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby abuali » 27 Nov 2004, 01:33

Although an issue that may be delicate to touch upon, I feel that it is the delicate issues that should be discussed.

I was prompted to start this topic due to a point made by brother Mohamedraza Jaffer in another discussion at Ask!


Mohamedraza Jaffer wrote:Walykum salaam sister Sajida

You have hit the nail by pointing out the most essential need in the successful marriage.

However, there are some other problems that also needs a great considaration and that is our "riwage" wrong systems in marriage.
We man think that a woman becomes our property when we marry them. we never realize the sacrifices that she makes to be our married partner.

When a woman gets married in our community that means she gets married not to the man only but the entire family. She has to serve every one at home like an Aya.

Let us refer to the family life in Islam which clearly reccomends that the children after getting married should stay by themselves and not with the parents if it is affordable.

That does not mean that parents should be ignored but on the cotrary the love between the children and parents increases.

Please comment on this suggestion.


Let us discuss this. Give your views and comments
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stayin with in laws

Postby Sajida » 28 Nov 2004, 00:30

Salaams..
Its a nice topic to discuss on..coz many many many problems arise these days..sayin in laws are a problem..i mean i dont get the logic behind it..y does it cause problems?Or rather if caused by them...why?
I hve heard of some cases..the daughter in law dint knw how to cook n thus shes kicked out by the mum in law n the husband supporting the mother?I mean does that make any sense?
To be frank if it was the mother in laws real daughter wud she treat her like this?Certainly not..i sometimes think mother in laws do create a problem..but on the contrary..u can make a very happy family..with a lot of understanding..i think if the mother in laws r understaning enuf to cope with the daughter in laws..n vice versa..i dont think it shud b a prob..coz personally i wunt mind stayin with my in laws..
Sometimes the daughter in laws r a huge problem too..they work up the husband's ears to the extent he forgets his parents..i dont think that is right either ..everyone shud have equal rights..the parents of the guy..as well as the wife n the children shud be given full attention..n PRIVACY..
Some mother in laws tend to interfere in the lives of the husband and wife n not let them sort their problems themselves..tht makes the son biased as well i suppose..wot do u all say??Its a good thing to discuss Hasin..lets keep it goin n let everyone give in their ideas...
Peace..
Sajida..
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Postby abuali » 28 Nov 2004, 00:59

Alaykum Salaam

Its definitely a topic worth discussing and getting more knowledge off.

Before I make any comments, I want to pose a question :-

Mohamedraza Jaffer wrote:
Let us refer to the family life in Islam which clearly reccomends that the children after getting married should stay by themselves and not with the parents if it is affordable.



Can someone please give me references of any recommendations in Islam as mentioned by Br. Mohamedraza Jaffer
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Postby Hussaini » 28 Nov 2004, 08:47

Let me add few cents here. Refering to a reciter long time back and he mentioned both the family life style are accepted in Islam though both of them have advantage and disadvantage.

Since Islam is not hard and fast rule, separeat e family maybe right for one and not advisable for someone else so it all goes down to individual who chosses either of them and face the disadvantages of his decission.

So again Islam allows both, if we look into life of our imams they also practised separate family sysem.
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby abuali » 29 Aug 2009, 06:30

so Islam allows both the family systems.

However, has Islam recommended one over the other?

During the prophets time, the situation was slightly different from ours. Each family had a different house but each house was close to one another.

In modern times a different house usually means hours apart from one another.

Would the same recommendations apply?
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby Mahjabeen » 03 Sep 2009, 06:44

This is a very touchy topic but I understand it is becoming increasingly important to discuss this openly. I personally think that if a person can afford it, living separately would be a great option. However when young girls at the age of 18/19 get married it is also a good idea to live with the in-laws for a couple of years (predetermined) so that she gets the feel of running a household, manage funds, etc at her in-laws house. The transition to her own home would therefore be easier and she will be well prepared. Of course circumstances vary from person to person, so the newlywed couple is the best judge.
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby abuali » 05 Sep 2009, 02:11

i agree with you that circumstances are usually different for everyone and decisions need to be made based on circumstances.

So i can think of the following situations good or bad that i have observed. (feel free to add more if I have missed any)

GOOD SITUATIONS

1. Together with parents in harmony
2. Seperate, due to happy agreement of the parents

BAD SITUATIONS

1. Together by unhappy agreement by the spouse/(s)
2. Separate in unhappy agreement of parents

I have also created a poll so we can cast a vote for either living together with the parents or separately
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby Umm.aly » 06 Sep 2009, 02:28

Hmm touchy indeed! I think it is every girls dream to eventually have a house of her own, but i agree with Mahjabeen that initially after marriage (no matter the age) its a good idea to live with parents.

Apart from getting the hang of things the in-laws way, it is also a good way of getting accepted into the family and accepting it as your own family too. The moral and social support that one gets from being part of an extended family is invaluable!

Mashallah we see many families in our community who have lived practically their whole married life with parents, and they live together quite happily.

I think the good situations are both good ( :D ), but in the bad situations the husband would suffer the most, coz both ways he is displeasing a loved one! If such a situation were to occur, which one would be the lesser evil?
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby Fatimah Zahra Karim » 09 Sep 2009, 20:01

hasin wrote:During the prophets time, the situation was slightly different from ours. Each family had a different house but each house was close to one another.

In modern times a different house usually means hours apart from one another.

Would the same recommendations apply?


How about imitating the situation at the time of The Prophet and Imams (PBUT) and getting the best of both worlds? Houses close to the families and/or frequent get-togethers would give a couple the privacy and autonomy they might want, while still allowing them to be close to the elders, with all the benefits that might bring...win-win, right?
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby abuali » 09 Sep 2009, 23:40

Fatimah Zahra Karim wrote:
How about imitating the situation at the time of The Prophet and Imams (PBUT) and getting the best of both worlds? Houses close to the families and/or frequent get-togethers would give a couple the privacy and autonomy they might want, while still allowing them to be close to the elders, with all the benefits that might bring...win-win, right?


That would be the ideal solution for those who can afford to do so financially and that both the parents and the spouse be content with it.

However, for a couple who cannot afford to have a house nearby, what options would they have?
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby Fatimah Zahra Karim » 11 Sep 2009, 22:02

Frequent family gatherings, I suppose...Or they could ask for 'no boxed gifts; we want a house please' on their wedding invitations :lol:
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby abuali » 12 Sep 2009, 06:40

Fatimah Zahra Karim wrote:Frequent family gatherings, I suppose...Or they could ask for 'no boxed gifts; we want a house please' on their wedding invitations :lol:


'Gift a brick' kind of thing. Only if that would work.
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby Umm.aly » 14 Sep 2009, 16:42

Fatimah Zahra Karim wrote:Or they could ask for 'no boxed gifts; we want a house please' on their wedding invitations :lol:


:biggrin:

They can actually save towards getting a house by having a low cost wedding.. bet soo much money would be saved if theres just a simple nikah ceremony?
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby Fatimah Zahra Karim » 15 Sep 2009, 05:29

Muhaddisa wrote:They can actually save towards getting a house by having a low cost wedding.. bet soo much money would be saved if theres just a simple nikah ceremony?


Definitely loads! Most weddings are soo extravagant! In fact, even the people who cannot afford the new 'usual' standard spend as much; they ask lots of people for financial help and pull it off. Can you imagine how much simpler, well, simple weddings would be?
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Re: After Marriage - Living with the parents or seperately?

Postby qamar » 20 Feb 2011, 21:52

Y not treat the room as their own house if cnt afford Nother house

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