Pointers on Choosing the RIGHT Life Partner!

The decision to marry is one of great importance. How early should this decision be made? How early is too early? And everythign else about marriage
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Laila
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Pointers on Choosing the RIGHT Life Partner!

Postby Laila » 25 Nov 2004, 10:56

Pointers on Choosing the RIGHT Life Partner!

In light of the experience of the past years, it is time to take stock
and try to halt the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It
is not unusual today to find Muslim women (and even an occasional
Muslim man) who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married
three or four times, their children suffering again and again through
the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a
few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in
the process of choosing a partner in life:-

1. Du'a. Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah (S.W.T), Most High, in the matter of finding and choosing a mate.

2. Consult your heart. Listen to what your inner voice, the 'radar'
which Allah (S.W.T) has given you to guide you, tells you about the
prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind,
which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost any- thing. For
many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.

3. Enquire. Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is
he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his
culture? If there is evidence that the primary reason for this
marriage, despite claims to the contrary, is for convenience
(greencard, money, property, etc.), forget it. This spells trouble.

4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is
permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage. Just ' seeing'
someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for
this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today's
conditions, where two persons of totally dis-similar backgrounds are
meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without
violating Islam's prohibition about being alone, try to understand his
nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to
live with.

5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you. Ask about him from various people, not just from his friends because they may
conceal facts to do him a favour. And ask not only about his
background, career, Islamicity, etc., but about such crucial matters
as whether he gets angry easily; what he does when he is 'mad';
whether he is patient, polite, considerate; how he gets along with
people; how he relates to the opposite sex; what sort of relationship
he has with his mother and father; whether he is fond of children;
what his personal habits are, etc. And find out about his plans for
the future from people who know him. Do they coincide with what he has
told you? Go into as much detail as possible. Check out his plans for
the future - where you will live and what your lifestyle will be, his
attitudes toward money and possessions and the like. If you can't get
answers to such crucial questions from people who know him, ask him
yourself and try to make sure he is not just saying what he knows you
want to hear. Too many people will make all kinds of promises before
marriages in order to secure the partner they want but afterwards
forget that they ever made them, (this naturally applies equally to
women as to men).

6. Find out about his family, his relations with his parents, brothers
and sisters. What will his obligations be to them in the future? How
will this affect where and under what conditions you will live? What
are the character and temperament of each of his parents? Will they
live with you or you with them? And are they pleased with his
prospective marriage to you or not? Although it may not be the case in
most Western marriages, among Muslims such issues are often crucial to
the success or failure of a marriage, and answers to these questions
need to be satisfactory to ensure a peaceful married life.

7. Understand each other's expectations. Try to get a sense of your
prospective partner's under- standing of the marriage relationship,
how he will behave in various situations, and what he wants of you as
his spouse. These are issues which should be discussed clearly and
unambiguously as the negotiations progress, not left to become sources
of disharmony after the marriage because they were never brought up
beforehand. If you are too shy to ask certain questions, have a person
you trust do it for you. At an advanced stage of the negotiations,
such a discussion should include such matters as children, studying after marriage, how he feels about helping with housework and with the children's upbringing,whether or not you may go to work, relations with his family and yours, and other vital issues.

8. See him interacting with others in various situations. The more
varied conditions under which you are able to observe your prospective
partner, the more clues you will have as to his mode of dealing with
people and circumstances.

9. Find out what his understanding of Islam is and whether it is
compatible with your own. This is a very important matter. Is he
expecting you to do many things which you have not done up to this
point? If he emphasises " Haraams", especially if you are a new
Muslimah, and seems unable to tolerate your viewpoint, chances are
your marriage will be in trouble unless you are flexible enough to
accommodate yourself to his point of view and possibly a very
restrictive lifestyle. Let him spell out to you clearly how he intends
to practise Islam and how he wants you to practise it as his wife so
there will be no misunderstandings later.

10. Don't be in a hurry. So many marriages have broken because the partners are in such haste that they don't take time to make such
vital checks as the ones outlined above and rush into things. Shocking
as it may seem, marriages between Muslims which are contracted and
then broken within a week or a month or a year have become common
place occurrences among us. Don't add yourself to the list of
marriage casualties because you couldn't take time or were too
desperate for marriage to find out about or get to know the person
with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life.

11. Ask yourself, Do I want this man/woman to be the father/mother of my children? If it doesn't feel just right to you, think it over again. Remember, marriage is not just for today or tomorrow but for
life, and for the primary purpose of building a family. If the person
in question doesn't seem like the sort who would make a good parent,
you are likely to find yourself struggling to raise your children
without any help from him or her - or even with negative input - in
the future.

12. Never allow yourself to be pressured or talked into a marriage.
Your heart must feel good about it, not someone else's. Again,
allegations of "Islamicity" - he is pious, has a beard, frequents the
Masjid, knows about Islam; she wears Hijab, does not talk to men- are
not necessarily guarantees of a good partner for you or of a good
marriage, but are only a part of a total picture. If an individual
practises the Sunnah only in relation to worship or externals, chances
are he /she has not really understood and is not really living Islam.
Possessing the affection and Rahmah (mercy) which Islam enjoins
between marriage partners is vital for a successful relationship, and
these are the important traits to be looked for in a prospective
partner.

13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in
exchange for a sum of money,(Mut'a marriage).
Such marriages are
expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is a sinful act,
as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being
permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.

If these guidelines are followed, Insha' Allah the chances of making a
mistake which may mark the ruins of your life may be minimised.

Choosing a marriage partner is a most serious matter, perhaps the most serious decision you will ever make in your life since your partner
can cause you either to be successful or to fail miserably, in the
tests of this life and, consequently, in the Here- after. This
decision needs to be made with utmost care and caution, repeatedly
seeking guidance from your Lord.
Last edited by Laila on 25 Nov 2004, 11:21, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby abuali » 25 Nov 2004, 11:19

Can you please give us a reference of where you have picked up these pointers from? Or in other words, who has actually written down these pointers.

I wanted to bring to your attention many phrases from this list which are very confusing and doubtful, but for now I will just talk about one which actually shocked me

13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in
exchange for a sum of money. (Mut'a marriage). Such marriages are
expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is a sinful act,
as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being
permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.


Where did this come from? Muta is not only expressly allowed (halaal/mubah) in Islam but it is also expressly mentioned in the Qur'an.

Do remember that making haraam what is halaal is a sin.
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Postby Laila » 25 Nov 2004, 11:36

Quote:
13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in
exchange for a sum of money. (Mut'a marriage). Such marriages are
expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is a sinful act,
as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being
permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.

Refer to the point above.
Plse do not take me wrongly.
Ofcourse Mut'a marriage is allowed in Islam as it is there for a special purpose. but what I'm trying to say was tht many ppl tend to take the wrong advantage of it by making haraam what is halaal.
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Postby abuali » 25 Nov 2004, 11:45

Oh ok. So I understand that your point of view is that Muta is valid and it is NOT FORBIDDEN in ISLAM.

However, the way that the point has been phrased : -

13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in
exchange for a sum of money. (Mut'a marriage). Such marriages are
expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is a sinful act
,
as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being
permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.


...implies that muta are sinful and forbidden. And the advice given is
'Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in
exchange for a sum of money. (Mut'a marriage). '
which is also implying that there is something wrong in engaging in Muta.....

Are the list of pointers that you have given, your own point of view, or have they been compiled from other peoples ideas as well...

My deepest apologies if I misunderstood your point, but the phrase seems to say the opposite of what you believe
Last edited by abuali on 25 Nov 2004, 11:48, edited 1 time in total.
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Laila
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Postby Laila » 25 Nov 2004, 11:47

The following is the link from which I got this article:
http://www.nzmuslim.net/article61.html

I found it interesting & thot of sharing with u all...however, it might be a little too sensitive & mite be taken wrongly so plse read carefully.
I have shortened this article & have cutted down sum points so as to avoid misinterpretation & confusion however, plse let me kno if the article does state anything which is wrong or not correct as I have not written it but I have tried my level best to make changes to it so that we can all benefit
from it.

Thanx!
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Postby abuali » 25 Nov 2004, 12:37

Thank you Laila

I now fully understand the reasons why the article is flawed.

The site from which the article has been taken, is a site of the Ahle Sunnah, who are our brothers and sisters in Islam. They are also Muslims and are united with the Shias on the basic belief of One God, and the Prophethood of Muhammad (SAW).

There are however, several differences on other levels of belief.

My apologies once again if I sounded harsh. My aim was to bring to the attention the false claim in this article so that we do not get misguided.

Please ensure that you are very skeptic in reading this article and that you dont believe in everythign it says without questioning it, especially point number 13, which is entirely wrong.

May Allah guide us to the right path.

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