Qualities to look for in a spouse

The decision to marry is one of great importance. How early should this decision be made? How early is too early? And everythign else about marriage

Which is the quality that is most important to look for in a potential spouse?

Beauty/Looks
2
9%
Wealth
0
No votes
Piety
17
74%
Family background
4
17%
 
Total votes: 23
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changing-muslim
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Postby changing-muslim » 08 Nov 2004, 05:06

S/a
Wouldnt We be focusing more on the qualities of a person rather than going to a malim to make sure if he/she is the right partner? Besides its a combination of External and internal qualities that really brings about attraction in itself. I mean, if we went to a malim, wouldnt this whole purpose be defeated, since Allah has created attraction between the sexes so shouldnt that be the entire basis of spouse selection?
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Yas
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Postby Yas » 08 Nov 2004, 05:18

w/s,
Good Question. First off, Allah knows alot more than you do about your partner, your future, and how things will turn out. To Him there is no time frame, He can see your future etc. You're not really asking the Spiritual Leader -maalim, maulana, or whatever one may prefer to call him, to choose your partner, or to qualify your choice, or to limit your options. I believe what was being referred to was Istakhara Salaa or sumthing like that which is merely taken to well.. get a religious insight into your decision - and on a more serious note, it really is a highly recommended act. Btw, the maulana is merely an "intermediary", and in fact Istikhara is recommended to be carried out by the person himself. Once again, I stand to be corrected!
So I guess it is in fact quite important and very much justified - logically atleast; I quote: "love can be magic, but magic can be... just an illusion."
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Muntazir Manji
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istikhara for marriage

Postby Muntazir Manji » 21 Nov 2004, 03:32

salaam..

yas you mentioned in your post that istikhara is a highly recommended act and that every person should perform his own istikhara. I agree with you 100% but still wish to extent this a little bit.

When we say that istikhara is highly recommended, we must define what istikhra is and which type is recommended, otherwise we'll see most of us running to the tasbit and Quran for every little thing!

basically istikhara, means to seek the best from Allah (swt). And before any action, we must seek the best from Allah (swt) in the form of supplication (dua).

Imam Jaffer sadiq (as) teaches us that for an important action, recite the following tasbih 101 times and for a less important issue, recite it 10 times.... "I seek the best from Allah (astakheerullah). There are many other duas for istikhara, please refer to the book ISTIKHARA: SEEKING THE BEST FROM ALLAH (SWT).

As far as istikhara for those actions for which we are confused, it is discouraged to run to the tasbih and Quran and see wha it says! rather, we should first use our intelligence, then take advise from others and decide what to do. If after doing all that, we still remain confused, thats when istikhara for tasbih and Quran should be resorted to.

Changing-muslim mentioned a very good point, for marriage, it is more important to study the qualities of a person. So study the person, inquire about the person from some JUST people who know them, and also ask Allah for the best by supplicating to him. and if still confusion remains, open the Quran and do your istikhara.

We must remember that Allah gave us intelligence ans we msut make use of it.

For a better explanation on istikhara, refer to the book i mentioned above, its has been written with reference to forty hadith of our aimmah and views of highly raked scholars such as Imam Khomeini, Shahid mutahhari and Allamah tabatabai.

If anyone cannot find a copy, i can lend you mine!

Muntazir Manji.
"live the life of this world as if it were to never end, prepare for the hereafter as if this life were to end tomorrow" Imam Ali (as)
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Postby abuali » 23 Oct 2006, 05:23

A long time ago I had heard a very significant saying of the lady of light, Bibi Fatema (SA) that had given me a lot of things to think about.

I recently found the quote online. I am reprinting it below, however I am yet to find the source for it.(anyone who finds a reference please do post it)

The Messenger of Allah (p.b.u.h) asked: 'What is best for women?' We did not know how to answer the Prophet, so Ali (a.s) asked Fatima about the Prophet's question. Fatima answered: 'It is best for them not to see men and not to let men see them.

Ali returned to Allah s Messenger and conveyed Fatima's answer to him. When the Prophet had heard the answer, he said:
'Surely she has spoken the truth, for she is part of me.'


What better quality to look for in a spouse than the one that the Sayyidatun Nisael Alaameen said is best. And what better quality to aspire for (for women) than which Bibi Fatema (SA) said is best for women?
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Muntazir
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Masha'Allah

Postby Muntazir » 30 Oct 2006, 22:58

Bismillahir-Rahmanir-Rahim

As Salaamu 'aleykum

Indeed, it's a beautiful Hadith.

I can see how our brothers and sisters are smart in these issues, Masha'Allah, but when it comes to getting married... Uyoo! Lol

Okay, I have a question, how many of our brothers and sister would prefer getting married in Dar es Salaam, or any other city near by?

How many of us are planning to get married abroad?

How many of us are planning to study for the next 5 – 10 years?

How many of us are ready to settle-down, but haven’t found the right person?

How many are having family issues?

How many are confused?

How many are ready, but their partners are keeping them hold?


Let us be honest if you think there isn’t any problem in discussing about it.


Thank you.
as-Salaamu 'aleykum warahmatullah
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abuali
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Re: Qualities to look for in a spouse

Postby abuali » 10 Feb 2008, 16:23

I was discussing with a couple of friends yesterday a lot of issues, and somehow the topic divulged into qualities of a spouse

And we ended up agreeing that we need some sort of 'check list', a rough layout of things to look out for, questions to ask, things to find out and a list of qualities to tick or cross before making the ultimate decision

I think we should start working on the checklist, which may be of help to many members

Lets list qualities for the checklist as well as questions/things to find out about the prospective partner 9in a list form:

1. Piety (what questions or things to find out can help with this?)
2. Pious family background
....
shia12
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Re: Masha'Allah

Postby shia12 » 11 Feb 2008, 14:56

Muntazir wrote:Bismillahir-Rahmanir-Rahim

Okay, I have a question, how many of our brothers and sister would prefer getting married in Dar es Salaam, or any other city near by?
How many of us are planning to get married abroad?
How many of us are planning to study for the next 5 – 10 years?
How many of us are ready to settle-down, but haven’t found the right person?
How many are having family issues?
How many are confused?
How many are ready, but their partners are keeping them hold?
Thank you.


Those are a lot of questions!! :P
I don't much care about where I get married, as long as my partner is pious.
(I think I heard somewhere, if you place piety as your main point, Allah takes care of the rest)
Religion wise I'm having a conflict with myself about where is the best place on earth. If abroad = west it has its own positive points - your faith really gets challenged and you want to better yourself. you learn to apply a lot of theory from dar into your real life. on the other hand, there's no community like dar, its the best community in the world! the warmth, and respect you find here, is hard to find elsewhere.
I am currently studying. But I don't feel necessary to wait until I have finished my studies to get married.
nope - no right persons yet.
I dont think Im confused - atleast I hope not. What do u mean by partners keeping them on hold? for engaged folks??
then the qn doesnt apply to me.

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Re: Qualities to look for in a spouse

Postby Mazhar » 11 Feb 2008, 15:23

Questions on judging ones piety???
I guess one has to rely more on what the family background suggests

1.genetic compatibilty(impotant i feel with diseases like thallesimia---hope i got the spelling right)

I might be drifting off a bit but my point is every important thing should be discussed before actually agreeing to getting married from finances to kids to living with the in-laws to general lifestyles....all of this doesnt necessarily have to be same but not so different so as to cause problems
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Re: Qualities to look for in a spouse

Postby abuali » 29 Aug 2009, 06:23

Mazhar wrote:Questions on judging ones piety???
I guess one has to rely more on what the family background suggests

1.genetic compatibilty(impotant i feel with diseases like thallesimia---hope i got the spelling right)

I might be drifting off a bit but my point is every important thing should be discussed before actually agreeing to getting married from finances to kids to living with the in-laws to general lifestyles....all of this doesnt necessarily have to be same but not so different so as to cause problems


wouldnt discussing all these details (including the minor issues) be a deterrent to marriage?
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Re: Qualities to look for in a spouse

Postby Umm.aly » 31 Aug 2009, 00:49

Hmm interesting question!

It could be a deterrent to marriage but thats if there are many things which the couple dont end up agreeing on, in which case it would be better to re-think things before getting married, rather then end up messing it.

Or.. you find out what you are getting into and prepare yourself for reality, if you decide to go ahead with it.

Sometimes the little things do matter at the end of the day and you're better off with clearing the air with what one expects from the other and one self too. Sometimes the fun might also be in the surprises that you find out eventually (even the not pleasant ones :D )

I think it is also necessary to look at the end result, the 'greater good'. Many issues that we stumble over during marriage discussion pertain to worldly matters, if it is piety that is the bottom line, then that should and always be the deciding factor no matter what!

Making any sense? :confused:
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Re: Qualities to look for in a spouse

Postby abuali » 06 Sep 2009, 02:19

i think you have hit the nail on the head!

Its all about prioritizing qualities and traits that one is looking for.

It goes without saying that piety should be the number 1 priority.

One might also be looking for qualities and traits that are very important for him or her. These should also be prioritized.

The remaining things should by all means be discussed, but they can be compromised upon.
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Re: Qualities to look for in a spouse

Postby Moonbeam » 03 Oct 2013, 23:56

Salaam

How much importance do you think should be given to the boy/girls past?

Is it important if the boy/girl had a relationship before he/she met you/proposed to you? Or would you accept that as something that happened before he/she is marrying you, and whatever happened before your engagement/marriage is none of your business?

What about bad habits that you may come to know of in his past, but that you have assurance is no longer being practiced? Would that be a worrying factor?

Everyone makes mistakes. Some repent, and never go back. Some don't.

What do you all think?

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