Qualities to look for in a spouse

The decision to marry is one of great importance. How early should this decision be made? How early is too early? And everythign else about marriage

Which is the quality that is most important to look for in a potential spouse?

Beauty/Looks
2
9%
Wealth
0
No votes
Piety
17
74%
Family background
4
17%
 
Total votes: 23
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abuali
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Qualities to look for in a spouse

Postby abuali » 17 Oct 2004, 02:14

I feel a question of great importance in marriage is the qualities one should look for in a spouse. Say, if you were in search for a spouse, what qualities would you be on the lookout for and why?
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Postby Sakina » 18 Oct 2004, 10:31

Salam Alaykum, didnt the prophet (s.a.w.) answer that question for us already? I feel that piety and good akhlaq are very important qualities and would definately expect my husband to have both. In addition to that having the same level of intelligence is also very important by that i simply mean that for two people to spend the rest of their lives together they would need to be able to communicate with each other on a similar level so neither partner would get bored! Now comes the question of looks, are they important, do they matter?...well i suppose they do to me although it is secondary to the attributes mentioned above..we all want somone that we are proud to be seen with, someone who can give us 'beautiful' children plus our animal instincts attract us to people with good looks just because of nature picking out the best mate to provide a 'fit' offspring...this is perfectly natural yet i dont think it should consume our thinking so entirely that we forget our ideals and focus entirely on external characteristics. Also someone who is understanding and has goals similar to yours is most likely to be a suitable match.
But Hasin i have a question for you. I know what kind of a man id want to be with yet i dont feel like i can talk to anyone esp my family members and let them know that i feel ready, also since my first choice would be a maulana ( or atleast maulana type) of a guy how can i actually get somebody like that? right now i feel that what i need to ask can be asked only from Allah (s.w.t.) and its all i can do! What do you think?
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qualities in a spouse

Postby abuali » 18 Oct 2004, 11:35

Alaykum Salaam Sakina
I agree with you that the prophet has answered the question for us. He had advised his cousin that when you are looking for a spouse, look for the following four characteristics. (I am not sure of the exact words used). He listed them in a descending order of priority:-

1. He/She should be pious because of himself/herself (as opposed to due to family pressure or pressure from society) [Necessary]
2. He/She should be from a respectable family background [Necessary]
3. Beauty / Good Looks [Optional]
4. Wealth [Optional]

One of the main questions that comes up is how does one measure piety?

I must commend your thoughts and ideas. I am sure God will help.

I am not so sure if I am the right person to answer this question, as I myself am relatively young and not married yet. I will try and put forward my thoughts and hope that they answer the question.

I feel that it is extremely essential that your parents know how you feel. If they dont know that you are ready and what kind of spouse you are looking for, they will not be able to help you find one. I would suggest that you have a heart-to-heart with your Mother, or maybe one of your siblings, who can then talk to your mother. Be very frank with her. Let her know that you are ready and that your ideal partner would have so and so qualities. Once your parents know about it, they can help you with your search.

I am sure that there are men (whether a maulana or a very pious man) both in Dar and abroad. With the support of your family and with the help of God, you will find the right person.

Sometimes a taboo comes up...men are supposed to take proposals to women for marriage. However, during the prophets time it was common practice for a woman to show interest in a man for marriage. Hence there is nothing wrong with looking for a right spouse, instead of waiting for someone who fits the description to bring a proposal for you.

Ofcourse, praying to God is what does wonders, as not even a leaf falls of a tree without his permission.

I hope I have managed to answer a part of the question atleast.

Do let me know if there are any further questions, or anything that needs further elaboration.
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Postby Hussaini » 23 Oct 2004, 09:21

Just to keep the forum alive:

Most Guys chose by accepting what their eyes only see.
For instance there was this story:
ahmad wanted to get married soon. He then saw this girl one day and he got caught by her astonishing looks. He had always dreamt about gettin married to such a girl with the beauty without limits. He married her soon without further inquries. After the marriage he found out that she was totally disrespectfull to ahmad and his parents. Her own parents were also a bit loosy regarding the religiousness. A marriage which was seen as the perfect one ended in hell for the whole family and not just for ahmad.
There are many more stories of these kind of issues.
Off course it is mans dreams too have a woman whom he just can addore day and night. But who wants to marry such a girl like the girl in the story?
You have to investigate like you were a secret agent and your case was to know her. Either personally or through someone. I guess here is good timing for another story:
ali wanted to get married he found a nice decent girl. She was respected by her own familly and she was religious too. She was smart wise and honest. Though she was blind ali married her. Now they have kids which are propperly raised. They live a life of joy and happyness.

so guys its okay to search for a nice lady but remmember that she must have a personality and that her heart is a heart that shines. What shall you do with a tree that bears no fruit???
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Postby abuali » 24 Oct 2004, 03:51

I want to pose a question to botht he mena nd women on this forum:

If you were searching for a spouse, what would be the first thing that you would look for (considering that later on you would research deeper about the person)?

I agree with you Hussaini. And yes, you can have a spouse who has both qualities.

The main question however is, how do you research about someone? Most of the people you ask would hardly tell you anything negative and those who do might have a grudge.
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Postby saleha » 25 Oct 2004, 01:20

Hasin, as for ur question u asked abt what's the first thing u wud look for when searching for a spouse...personally i think i would look for the characteristics of tht person, the religious family background as according to tht u can know what sort of ppl u r to deal with..n for the other question u asked abt how to research abt a person...well u can always ask both sides of the families i.e paternal n maternal of the person..thn u could ask close friends..n like i said earlier u should see for the charactersitics...their attitude towards everyone...their day to day life i mean having an idea on how abt they go on with their life everyday...i think with this information u can always come up to some decision...

i hope this has been of some help in answering ur question...
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qualities in a spouse

Postby abuali » 25 Oct 2004, 01:38

Salaams Saleha

Thank you for your response.

I agree with you that there is a deifnite need of deep research about the person and his family background.

The problem is, it is very hard to get very honest answers about a person especially from relatives. Hence, checking up with relatives may not give all the right answers (I do agree that it has to be done and does work...but is risky).

Close friends...that would probably give you real hints about the kind of person....and would be very helpful.

I guess the best way, as you mentioned, would be a mixture of all the above methods, with trust in God....and it should work out...

I hear that the World Federation or Africa Federation have also started a matrimony service...IS that true? And if so, how do they do the matchmaking....

Thanks again for your reply....it did help....
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what qualities and why?

Postby Keep Smiling » 26 Oct 2004, 15:21

Qualities in spouse are so many but is it possible to get all in one??
Each and everyone have their own image of what they want their spouse to have..there should be understanding, trust, compromise, sacrifice, love and sense of sharing.. "Sharing is Caring"
I got an article about an old couple who shared everything upto their dentures..isnt that just cool!!

As for your question what qualities and why?
Because, the qualities in a person make up the personality...you want to marry someone with personality, someone who is respected within & outside ur community...and because of those qualities in a spouse, in which your children will grow up...that is the one thing that individuals should look for in a spouse..one who can help create respectful children..
so when you die people will say, what a good person he was and see what respectful children he left behind.

Yes, i do agree, nobody tells the truth when we go out to research more about a girl or a boy..that is why there have many engagements which have been resolved..which is very sad to know..

what do u think?
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Postby abuali » 28 Oct 2004, 02:01

This is definitely something we should all be thinking about...

Without having clear priorities of the kind of person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, then it is very likely that we will make a wrong choice.

So far, the following is what I have reflected form our discussions in this forum and by talking to other youths.

There are two groups of qualities that can be desired:-

1. Physical (Apparent) Qualities
2. Non-physical qualities.

I think we all seem to agree that some non-physical qualities should be a higher priority than physical qualities...

I am sure many youths and young people get sleepless nights worrying about what kind of a person he/she is marrying...

However, I cant help but feel that if we find someone who truly fears and loves Allah (SWT), then that person should have...or will try and develop all the pleasant qualities...because he will fear god...and hence will try and avoid doing anything wrong. So he/she would try his/her best to be fair to his/her spouse, and with that would come understanding,, trust, tolerance and compromise, and above all...true love....(not the kind of love advocated by the 'liberated' world)

Is this argument valid?
Last edited by abuali on 01 Nov 2004, 05:03, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Muntazir » 31 Oct 2004, 17:13

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as-Salaamu 'aleykum warahmatullah
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Postby Yas » 31 Oct 2004, 20:31

w/s n s/a,
Zodiac Signs? Isnt that like something totally or well kind of haraam/makruh in Islam? I mean.. what basis would it uproot on... logical, scientific or religious...

Tc.
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..

Postby Muntazir » 01 Nov 2004, 04:15

Assalamun Alaikum..
Wel m not talkin bout whn going up to sum random malim n ask him bout our future n all tht stuff, i guess tht's haram but there's sumthin v ask the maulana based on our relationship b4 gettin married.. I dono wht v actually call it but there's sumthin .. I dono.. But i knw there's sumthin..
as-Salaamu 'aleykum warahmatullah
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Postby abuali » 01 Nov 2004, 05:00

Alaykum Salaam

I believe what you are trying to refer to is 'Istekhara'

Please find below a relevant Q&A as regards to Istekhara

Question:

Quite often I am advised before making a major decision that I should get an
"Isthakharo" done. My understanding of Isthakharo is that it reveals
whether the decision you are about to make is good or bad.

How does this work and what is procedure for performing an Isthakharo?.

Answer:

Istekhara means "seeking of Khayr (goodness)". According to hadith from
A'imma (A), we should do "Istikhara" before leaving our homes. This hadith
means that one should seek/anticipate goodness from Allah when leaving the
house.

However, when one is faced with extreme indecision and cannot decide on a
course of action on his own or after seeking advice, one can do "Istekhara"
by several means. With a Niyyat of trying to find good for himself in all
situations, one can:

1. Pray two Rakat Namaz at the end of which, whichever option comes to
mind, he should act on it.

2.One can consult the Holy Qur'an. After reciting Sura alHamd, and Salawat
5 times, open the Holy Qur'an and look at the first verse on the right side
(or any verse that you see first) and seek clarification from the meaning
of the verse.

3. There are other ways also described where lots are cast of a rosary
(Tasbih) is used.

Istekhara is to be done by the individual himself. One can consult an
'Aalim if one does not know how.

It is not Wajib to act on the result of the Istekhara unless one has made a
Niyyat of Wajib.

Wassalaam



As far as Zodiac sign 'predictions' are concerned, I have posted some relevant Q&A's about it, which you can visit via the link below

Click here

Regards
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zodiac signs

Postby Keep Smiling » 06 Nov 2004, 14:44

I kind of agree with BR. Muntazir about zodiac signs..sometimes that should be seen into as well...it doesnt always work but it atleast tells you some common things and some characteristics of the person before you actually get to know them well..

its said better to find soemone of ur own star because then ull always have something in common one less reason to argue...
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Postby abuali » 06 Nov 2004, 23:01

Unfortunately, believing or trusting in Zodiac signs is against the belief in God. This is because by believing in Zodiac signs, it would imply, that celestial bodies control what we are...and therefore it would imply that we do not have free will.

Hence belief in zodiacs, (be it in any way, even choosing people of same zodiac) would be a kind of shirk and is Haraam.

Please refer to the following link for more information

http://www.shiaworld.org/forum/viewtopic.php?p=318#318

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